The Icha Icha Caligula colon Movie for Theaters 2
by KareNeko
Summary: Kakashi finally talks Iruka into joining him to see the new Icha movie. When fantasy crashes into reality the jounin finds himself watching the trainwreck of his dreams, er, nightmares come to life. Some light Yaoi for balance in between darker fics.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Icha or colon Movies for Theater. F--ing sandals!

Something light and totally unrelated to any other fic, to cleanse the angst palate before starting on sequel work. Hope you enjoy! And your reviews are so appreciated!

here goes nothing...

**Let's join the date, already in progress...**

**Chapter One**

They emerged from the velvety darkness of the theater, Kakashi smiling to himself as he remembered a few choice scenes that had fulfilled his expectations. As much as he liked the books, he often found the movies to be a bit heavy-handed and, well, perhaps a little less than well-funded in the production quality department.

But they were always good enough, always brought that familiar warm feeling that normally had him groping for more than the popcorn in the anonymous darkness of the balcony seats.

But this time he didn't go alone, and he was a little nervous about it. His bashful companion had been rather stiff in his seat throughout, occasionally shifting and looking strained and uncomfortable.

It was a mistake to cajole his partner into going, considering his reaction to the books. He really didn't expect unbridled enthusiasm or wanton leering, he really knew his chunin far better than that. But he'd hoped that maybe there'd be a little reluctant, embarrassed arousal at the explicit scenes; perhaps some little seeds of thought that might bloom later in the privacy of the Umino/Hatake bedroom in the form of new more adventurous positions and role-playing. It didn't seem like such an impossible outcome when he urged Iruka to join him on this date.

But it looked like this had been a thoroughly bad idea. The vein bulging on the tanned neck spoke of one gritting their teeth in great restraint. The hand that pawed the scarred nose told a tale of unspoken words poised for release.

Kakashi prepared to apologize thoroughly. He really had totally disregarded Iruka's feeling about this genre of entertainment. The corners of his mouth shot downward in horror as he saw the shoulders begin to shake.

_Holy crap, is it some kind of porn phobia? Is he crying?_

They barely made it clear of the theater lobby doors. Iruka bent double, hands over his face.

"Iruka, come on," Kakashi grabbed his elbow and in no small amount of embarrassment hauled the unstable man to a nearby bench.

"I'm sorry!" squeaked Iruka, barely able to speak. Then the rhythmic sounds began, choked at first, then growing louder and freer.

He was laughing almost uncontrollably.

Is he hysterical? wondered the copy-nin.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry," gasped Iruka, swiping away tears with the edge of his hand. "that was… that was…"

Kakashi patted him in concern, glancing up as passersby ignored them for the most part.

"That was hilarious."

The eye above the mask boinked an eyebrow skyward. "How so?"

"You don't mean to tell me that was a serious drama? They would have spent more than a buck ninety-five on production then, don't you think? I mean, some of those scenes - you could just almost smell the cheap makeup on their assholes, and it was caked on like frosting down there, I never imagined!"

Well, a little perplexed, Kakashi did have to admit the bodies looked a little unnatural. It really wasn't his focus when he watched this sort of thing. With a Jiraiya movie you just lowered your expectations about such things. Iruka just wasn't indoctrinated, that's all. "Well, yeah, I guess."

"You mean you weren't dying to laugh when they first flashed Claudius's package? You didn't think it was funny that he was so huge they had to use a snake jutsu and unhinge her jaws for her to suck him off? My gods, it was so big, if he'd cum it would have blown the back of her head off!" Iruka snorted and his eyes glittered.

"So you didn't see anything in that movie that was the least bit erotic?" sighed Kakashi.

"Well…" Iruka said, slightly more subdued. "Yes, I found some of it a little, erm, appealing."

"Oh." Well, this was more like it. Now some slap with that tickle, finally. The jounin leaned in closer, lowered his voice. "And what might that have been?"

Iruka blushed. "Caligula. That redhead with the guy liner, what an hottie. My heavens." He fanned himself.

It's official, Kakashi grumped. Never taking him to one of these again. Not only does he NOT get any ideas, not only does he pick apart my movie to the point where it seems silly to have enjoyed it, he reveals that he finds the character that is _totally the opposite of me _to be the most desirable.

A voice behind them called to Kakashi, growing closer.

"Jiraiya!" smiled the copy-nin.

"So, Hatake, does it pass muster?" smiled the wealthy sannin.

"Of course!"

Iruka stood and nodded in greeting, began backing away a bit. He didn't want to lie, and he didn't want to offend the honorable pervert, so he opted for a respectful retreat.

"You were really laughing quite a bit there," A husky voice observed mildly. "Are they showing a comedy?"

Iruka turned, caught a little off-balance. A slightly shorter, barrel-chested man faced him, inscrutable behind dark glasses and a scarf wrapping his head.

Sand-nin, thought Iruka, noting the special sandals.

"Not exactly. I just saw that movie," he pointed to the poster, showing a writhing partially-toga-clad orgy scene in tastefully incomplete detail.

"You didn't have a very typical reaction. Please, I'm dying to know. What did you really think of the movie?" the sand-nin asked smoothly.

Iruka hesitated; there was something vaguely familiar about the face below the glasses. But he was motivated to keep up the conversation to avoid facing the movie's author. So he walked a few steps in the opposite direction and launched into roughly the same tirade he'd graced Kakashi with earlier.

The difference being, this man seemed very pleased with Iruka's assessment of the film. The more Iruka explained, the more animated the man became in his agreement. He finally snagged Iruka by the elbow and drug him to the spot where Kakashi and Jiraiya were talking.

"I told you!" blurted the man, waggling a finger at the towering sannin. "People notice when you cut corners! You'll have to do better than that if you want me to sign that contract!"

"What?" Jiraiya asked, startled.

"This man just told me, word for word, the very same things that I told you were wrong with this film! Don't you dare tell me I'm imagining things now!"

Iruka and Kakashi stared at each other and at the two bickering men.

The sand-nin worked his arm around Iruka, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Iruka looked puzzled and Kakashi began to fume.

"This man needs to be on staff for the next picture. Put it in the contract or I won't sign. We need somebody with an impartial eye. Everyone else get lost in the pleasures of the flesh, and for once we have someone with a sense of realism to guide us, a chance to make something besides cheap smut." He whipped off his shades for dramatic emphasis and graced them with a sultry million-dollar smile.

Iruka gasped. Kakashi forgot to glare. The scarf fell back, and the thought that the camera did the man no justice struck them solidly between the eyes .

Caligula looked at them and basked in the usual adoration. His hand dropped and casually squeezed Iruka's humbly worshipping ass. "We'll call you my personal assistant."

Up until now, Kakashi thought this date was a nominee for worst in history. Now it just won the Oscar.

xx

_So the saga begins! Review and tell me if this is worth updating!_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Rumor has it I don't pronounce his name right, either.

Oh boy thank you for the wonderful reviews! I apologize for the short chapters, and for the kinda loose take on the characters...yes, I agree that there would be little or nothing left of that Icha star if our boys were truly in character. But this is just for fun!

_Back to our show, already in progress..._

o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Still starstruck, Iruka laughed nervously. "I have a job already, I teach Actually, two jobs, I run the mission desk. Well, actually, two and a half jobs, I go on chunin missions, too."

Kakashi nodded emphatically. Damn straight. Now get your hand off his ass.

"Your Hokage will gladly bind you over. I will make it a mission, with a fee not to be trifled with." the redhead stated confidently.

Jiraiya frowned. He did need this man to reprise his role as Caligula. His plans for a sequel would be destroyed without him - the man was clearly the most bankable element of the series.

"We will create the highest grossing movie of the year, or I will forfeit my salary back to you." A sultry dark-lined eye winked seductively at the goggling sannin.

"Higaara, do you mean that?" Jiraiya gasped. The man was box-office gold, and his fee was stellar. Either a free performance or highest gross - either was a positive wet dream for the greedy pornographer! "Put that in writing and you've got a deal!"

"I must have this man on staff to utilize as I see fit. Agree to that and we put ink to scroll tonight!" Higaara wet his lips and regarded Iruka with half-lidded eyes. The chunin seemed to have turned to stone.

"Bu-bu-but…" Iruka stammered.

"You'll have this mission in your hands by tomorrow morning, Umino, I guarantee it! The Hokage will have no objection to such a generous fee. We will pay handsomely for your participation in this mission of solidarity with our brethren of the Sand." Jiraiya crowed.

Kakashi pulled at his mask in frustration. What a bunch of crap. This would never be a mission, and Iruka was just standing there eating up the way the porn star was invading his personal space. That weak-kneed chunin was going to be apologizing for a long time before the make-up sex. A _long_ time.

"Looks like you got your wish, Iruka," growled the jounin, flashing a one-finger salute before making the handsigns and ditching his date in a puff of smoke.

Aghast, Iruka started to follow, but the other men took his hands.

"To the tower," the tall sage smiled.

"Yes, to the tower," the red-headed sex idol purred.

Iruka allowed them to drag him along against his better judgment, in shock at Kakashi's obscene gesture..

_Kakashi gave me the finger! _Iruka wailed inwardly. _He must be livid! But I should be livid that he did that! He's such a shit sometimes! I didn't ask for this!_

o0o0o0o0o0o

Early the next morning in the mission room, Iruka took the scroll mournfully and Genma gave him a curious look.

"Something wrong, Iruka?" he asked, his senbon dipping low to accent his sympathetic frown.

"Yes, Genma, but nothing I can really explain right now." Iruka bopped the scroll in his open palm repeatedly, shaking his head.

"Oh, tell Genma all about it. Sit, sit." He patted his lap invitingly. Did Iruka look…guilty?

"Better not. I'm already in enough trouble."

"Well, this lap is always here for you when you need it, Ruka-koi." Genma pouted sweetly. "It misses you, too."

Iruka smiled sadly.

"So how was your date?"

Iruka looked even sadder.

"No! Are you upset because something went wrong on your date? What did that idiot do this time, Iruka?"

"Sorry, Gen, I have to go." Iruka fled from the prying questions, leaving Genma to stew in his suspicions about Kakashi's dating manners.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Iruka reported for duty an hour later at the gates, duffle in hand, ready for the trip. Four months "on location" near the Sand village. Tsunade had actually kissed Iruka on his stunned lips when the men presented her with the cold cash offer for the sensei's services.

Iruka suddenly suspected that Tsunade had a purple velvet floor-length trenchcoat, and a pink feathered gaucho hat with "pimp" in sequined letters on it. It must have been at the cleaners, or she would have worn it for the occasion.

He didn't know any of the sand nins that came to escort him, and it was certainly a strange experience to be the escorted as opposed to being the escort. The only trouble along the way, an unruly group that blocked the path and refused to move, was dispatched seamlessly by the sand nins and Iruka felt even stranger. The nins spoke with him respectfully and prepared his meals, provided him with a fully stocked tent at night and offered to carry him should he become tired or if he simply preferred it. Of course he declined the lift, but reluctantly enjoyed the pampering. He did sort of deserve it. They had made a major mess of his personal life just to put money in the Konoha coffers. This was, by comparison, small compensation indeed.

When he arrived at KazeMotion Studios, they ushered him to his small quarters and left him with instructions to wait for a "P.A." to come get him, whatever that was.

o0o0o0o0o0o

"Whadja do to him, Kakashi?" Genma growled.

"Butt out."

"I can tell you really did a number on him this time. Why do you have to be such a dick all the time?"

"Drop it. I'm not talking to him or you right now." The single eyebrow lofted in great superiority.

"Well, duh. Hard to talk to him while he's gone."

"What?"

"He left on a mission."

"What do you mean?"

"Hmm, let me see…he walks in here to the Mission Desk, I hand him a scroll, he reads it, follows the instructions, leaves to go on the mission…stop me if anything in this process sounds in the least familiar to you."

"Wise ass. What mission?"

"I did not inquire and he did not volunteer. They are confidential, you know." Genma glared. "You take the hottest guy in the village off the market, and take him on a date to make him miserable. Anyone ever tell you what the purpose of a date is supposed to be? Maybe you should trade a few of those I.Q. points in for some horse sense. Or at least for some emotional intelligence."

"You're so cute when you're trying to be witty. I think Raidou was just mentioning that this morning in the shower." Kakashi smiled viciously.

"Liar."

"No, no, he really did mention you. I think he misses you more than you know. Really, he was so needy and greedy last night…I don't know where you get off giving relationship advice. Throwing away a sweet bottom like that. Well, I guess I won't have a problem staying warm at night while Umino's away. If you don't have a mission for me I might as well get back home and see what Rai's up to."

Kakashi flashed away and the senbon flew a microsecond too late to nail him in the crotch, clattering to the floor.

A few minutes later Raidou came into the mission room with Iwashi in tow, both dirty from hours of hiking through the mud to check the perimeter wall.

Genma grinned. That liar. He probably spent the night hugging his teddy bear and missing hims Ruka.

"Hey, Rai," Gen said sweetly. "Wanna go to the movies tonight?"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Bet he'll be a nice addition to the Icha films when he gets a little older!

_Iruka's in Sand territory, brimming with mission readiness! Is it the desert sun or your new boss that's making you sweat, mister? Better be careful..._

**Chapter 3**

The "PA" turned out to be Higaara's Personal Assistant. He brought a large box and left it just inside the door, beckoning Iruka out without indicating whether or not it was for him or if he should open it.

He followed the young man to another, larger structure. They ended up in a serious-looking meeting room with a very long, dark wooden conference table and shiny, cold black leather chairs dotting its circumference.

The young man waved him to a chair, still silent. Iruka got the impression he was being resented a great deal. He declined the drink and snacks that the young man offered, just in case. Poisoned food and drink was very much a "sand thing". Settling into a random chair, Iruka waited.

And waited.

And waited. He was sleeping soundly yet fully alert, his cheek on his folded arms, blissfully comfortable as Higaara slid into the chair beside him.

"Been waiting long?" Higaara whispered.

"Not too," Iruka stretched, giving his gorgeous new boss a shy smile. "why are we whispering?"

The husky voice increased to normal volume. "No need, I thought you might be asleep, and I was going to let you rest."

That wiped the smile off of Iruka's face. "Not likely." What kind of ninja did this guy think he was, anyway?

He felt his arm being patted.

"In this compound you are safe. We're within the boundaries of Sand, and bunkered in this studio complex against all comers. Even I have known sleep here." Higaara shrugged. "I was certainly not insulting you."

Iruka didn't think he'd projected that much offense, but apparently, the guy was reading him like a book.

"You have some misgivings about this assignment," Higaara went on, and it was a statement. Iruka briefly wondered if he had some sort of jutsu like Ino's and really was reading his mind.

"A few. But it's not my place to object. My services were purchased fairly."

"I'll bring you up to speed. Pre-production is nearly finished, so I want you to have a look at the latest script revision. We have a list of the locations to go with it. The working title is Caligula 2. Just keep in mind your observations from the first movie, and I want you to join me for a private screening of it this afternoon."

"But I just saw it. I still remember it." Iruka frowned. And it wasn't all that enjoyable, even when he'd watched it with...okay, no dwelling on that now.

"We're looking at it critically. Critics generally view a movie three or four times before they critique. It's important to really see all the aspects, to pick out what works and what doesn't."

"Too bad this really is not my favorite genre," Iruka sighed.

"What is your favorite genre, Iruka? If I had to guess I would say romance." His voice dropped a bit with a well-practiced hint of allure.

Iruka laughed, the subtlety lost on him. "Try horror and action-adventure."

"I think you're not being honest." Higaara said with no hint of humor, leaning in quite close. Too close.

"Has anyone ever told you how much you look like the Kazekage?" Iruka blurted a bit too loudly, changing the subject.

Higarra smiled at that. "Oh yes. It's been observed." His eyes roamed a bit as he regarded the brunette a bit pensively. "We need to get your head shots."

"What?"

"Pictures of you."

"Why?" Iruka was suspicious, as any nin would be, about pictures taken outside his circle of friends.

"Test shots for film and…"  
"I'm not in the film." the sensei said firmly. "It's not it the mission scroll and it's therefore my choice."

"I see. Well, I must insist that you get test shots anyway. Besides, you need a photo ID. We'll do it right. Never let anyone take your picture unprepared if you can help it. 'Candid' should always mean candidly posed."

"I don't get it."

"What is means is, you need to have aesthetics work you up before we take the pictures. Come on, I'll show you there."

They wanted to cover up his scar. In Iruka's opinion, that was asinine. What good is a photo ID badge that didn't have your distinguishing marks and features? Were these people that inept?

Higaara stepped in and allowed the override. The scar stays. It's a sexy scar anyway, the man said. Iruka blushed six shades.

But in letting the hair down, his objection was overruled. It was tousled and styled and made to look like a sexy mane. They dropped his shirt off his shoulders and began applying powder. Iruka squirmed.

"What does this have to do with a head shot?" he asked nervously.

"You don't want this picture to be in uniform, do you? It's not very ninja to advertise it. And we don't want evidence of your true calling on your badge - you will be doubling as undercover security, as per the mission scroll."

Higaara looked at him critically, then leaned in to whisper something to the makeup artist. Before he could react a swath of all-day clear gloss covered his lips.

"Ptui! The hell..!" Iruka went to smear it off with the back of his hand and Higaara caught his arm.

"No no no, you're perfect. Come on. Just take the shirt off altogether. You can put a studio shirt on when we're done." the redhead jerked down on the collar and the shirt came nearly off as they moved out the door and down the hallway. The shorter man motioned to a black door and pushed firmly on the broad, bare back. Iruka went in hesitantly.

The room was set up for still photography, various props and backgrounds here and there about the room. An assortment of lights, filters and mirrors hung suspended from a track on the ceiling.

Stepping out from behind a wall of fancy photography equipment, a small wizened man polished a lens with a white cloth.

He eyed Iruka professionally.

"Good, good." he began adjusting some equipment, locking the lens he had been cleaning into place. "Take 'em off."

"He's just a head shot," Higaara said unconvincingly.

The photographer grunted. "I need bodies, remember? Why not?"

"Oh. Oh yes!" the redhead turned and looked Iruka in the eye. "Graphics needs body models to do digital crowds for some of the scenes. We didn't do it last time because of the cost; as I recall, one of your criticisms had to do with the use of clones to fill the background, and how obvious it was that it was twenty of the same man. So we need as many different body types as possible to scan into the digitizer. Since this is directly related to your documented criticism of the old film, you are obligated by your mission orders to comply and do the body shots." The redhead looked victorious and slightly smug

"What…what does that mean?" Iruka could not be redder. He could scarcely be more uncomfortable. Surely they didn't mean _completely_ undressed…

Again it seemed the porn star was reading his mind. "This isn't a travelogue, it's an adult film. You need to remove all of your clothing and pose in the way the photographer requests. "

"Ung…I…I'm not comfortable with this." He felt the anger adding to his embarrassed blush, reddening his ears.

"Calm down, you're spoiling the makeup artist's hard work. Get undressed and I'll relax you."

That was not a bit helpful. Iruka began to sputter something about him getting out of the room.

"I'm staying. You must relax and approach some semblance of normal coloration before we can shoot. I have some med nin skills, not much, but enough for relaxation seeing that you're not truly injured. I would offer another method of bringing your blood pressure down, but I don't think you'd be interested."

"No, not with…" the chunin's hands hovered uncertainly as Higaara's closed in on his waistline.

"Yes," the hands began to undo his belt, untying the leg wrap. "With them off. Otherwise you'll just tense up again when you undress. We need to work on you as you're to be imaged."

_It's just a mission. _Iruka set his jaw in determination and somehow remembered how to breathe. It would help a lot if the man were less...less..._him_.

He supposed it was force of habit, the way the man undressed him. The bare hints of presumably accidental touches on his thighs, hips and ass were incredibly erotic. His brain was half-melted as he sat on the bench to remove his boots with his pants already pooled around his ankles, and as he did the other man's hands were dipping into the waistband of his tight black underwear. Getting tighter by the minute, regardless of his attempts to relax.

"Just…just…_don't_. I can do that." he now had one boot off, one boot on, his hands swinging to try and grab his frisky assailant's and finding his hair was getting in his face, complicating his movement with limited vision.

He noticed the photographer staring openly.

Shit, this was turning into some kind of…

He pushed his chakra out. Somewhere in the room a camera was already rolling.

Higaara pushed him forward and he was forced onto his hands for balance, ass in the air, the sinking feeling about the whole situation was getting worse by the minute…he was divested of his last stitch of clothing as he struggled to rise, setting his impressively large and slightly thickened manhood swinging free…

The cameraman stepped back feeling for the tissues without looking away and Higaara let out an absolute snarl of delight.

Somehow the last boot and the wad of clothes made it clear across the room. Anger would be an excellent term for the reaction Iruka's spinning wheel of emotional choices finally settled on. He seethed at the open admiration as he stood in exposed grandeur in the very flattering bounced lighting. The muscles of his body hardened in restrained fury, adding definition to his physique unintentionally.

It was then that Iruka discovered that no one had locked the door to the room.

Jiraiya and three other well-dressed men strode in, holding blank ID badges. But unlike Iruka, they had not been made to report for aesthetics before getting their picture taken. They were fully dressed. They had no makeup, no Fabio hairdo.

They were men of the industry, and huge cha-chings! rang in their heads and dollar signs dotted their retinas. The sight before them was delightful. This was the stuff of calendars, coffee mugs and posters. This was the stuff of magazine articles, magazine covers, hell, magazine centerfolds. This was big, big money in the form of one of the most luscious male bodies of its type they'd ever seen.

On a par with the very different body type, perfect in its own right, that none other than Higaara possessed.

"Rewrite," whispered Jiraiya, wall-eyed.

"Yess-s-s," hissed the man next to him.

Higaara smiled." It's not written into the mission so he technically doesn't…"

"I'll go see Tsunade today and get her price. Consider it done." Jiraiya shook his head. "I should have known there was more to you. Now I know why the great Hatake simpers like a child at the mention of your name."

Iruka wasn't participating at this point. He was doing his best not to murder anyone. The title of rogue nin was starting to appeal to him. He quickly sat as covered as he could position himself on the bench but the stupid perverts with Jiraiya came over to touch their latest acquisition to see if he were real. Iruka was preparing a lesson in reality they would not soon forget, and was counting to ten before unleashing it. It was Higaara that came to the rescue - well, probably not Iruka's rescue. But he did put a stop to it.

"You interrupted our shoot," he pouted, outlined eyes looking up fetchingly. "Ruined our mood."

Damn, four perverse minds thought. Did we walk in about five minutes too soon? They backed off, exchanging glances. Artists at work. Bad form to interrupt. Actors needed a delicate touch. Major screw-up here. No one wants to make enemies of the cash cows pre-production, no sir-ee.

"Come back later." Higaara cooed.

The men left with nods and muttered apologies.

Iruka felt wet warmth in his hand and realized his nails had pierced the fleshy part of his palm. He didn't dare look up, because he wasn't sure what he would do. He hadn't been this angry in years.

A pulse of cooling chakra ghosted on his neck, battling the angry chakra that was aching to find a victim.

"They're gone," Higaara whispered, and the light touch of the soothing chakra became a waterfall of refreshing cold, slicking his body with a huge push of positive energy.

It was a nice gesture but far too abrupt a contrast. It resulted in a backlash chakra migraine. The warning stage hit and Iruka straightened. He felt numb. It was the precursor to the pain.

Higaara felt it as he disconnected too late.

"Shit, Iruka, I'm sorry." he motioned to the cameraman, who snapped a few stills for Iruka's badge as the actor gathered the stunned nin's clothes and helped him dress.

"This is going to be a bad one," the sensei lamented, all other thought derailed. He wasn't sure how much longer he had before it was going to hit, and hit hard.

"You can lie down in my office," Higaara said, pulling him along. "Hurry."

They barely made it in the door when the pain hit, Higaara shoved him down on the Persian rug and knocked him out quickly.

As he dropped into darkness, the abstract questions flit though his awareness…why does a porn star know all this jutsu? And why does he have a private business office?

o0o0o0o0o

"Your patience will be rewarded, Kakashi. Your Icha Icha dreams are going to come true in your very hands. I can't believe you're not happy about this." Jiraiya stood, hands on powerful hips, shaking his head. "This was a dream I've heard you talk about before. To have relations with an Icha star."

"This isn't the same situation. Not at all. This isn't Iruka." Kakashi frowned, looking at the stills captured from the video camera. "Can I keep these?"

"Hell no. Tsunade's giving me a good price for those."

"She actually made this a mission," he said in disgust.

"Pardon my saying so, but does he really look like he minds? Beats the usual missions, diving in mud and murdering psychos. All in all a pretty good gig. With as much money as this is bringing into Konoha, Iruka may make Nin of the Year."

Resisting the urge to remove the man's face to illustrate that some people minded very much indeed, outwardly Kakashi remained somewhat neutral. "It doesn't depend on how well the movie does?"

"Not entirely. The initial fee, which was extremely generous, was paid up front. No matter what, this will count as mission success for your dear friend." The pervert smiled. "He wins no matter how you slice it. And then you will have your own personal porn star. The Hatake holy grail!"

Jiraiya snatched the pictures back in irritation, the ingrate was almost wrinkling the photos by gripping them too hard and he hadn't smiled nor leered yet. What the hell was the matter with him?

Kakashi mourned. The photos showed his special, very private person, half-naked and hair tricked out like an exotic dancer, and being groped by the current hottest name in porn. The same porn star Iruka had pointed out as being temptingly hot.

Probably shouldn't have flipped him off as a going away present, Kakashi concluded. He told himself that was why Iruka had not said goodbye before he left.

Or so much as left a note.

Or sent back some message, any message, with the conveniently visiting sage.

His Ruka was beginning to seem very uncaring.

And yes, Iruka's caring was even more important to Kakashi than his smexiness; if it would do any good to admit that now he might. He needed to take command of the situation and return everything to its rightful order. He had no lack of confidence in his ability to do just that. But he'd have to get in range first.

The copy-nin began to plot.

He might need some vacation time. Perhaps some time with some sun and Sand…


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: What was my name again? No, that's not it...oh yeah. I don't own Naruto.

_Hi! Here! An update, dedicated to the proposition that not all chapters are worthwhile. We'll just get this one out of the way before a little action starts. Your reviews are kind and wonderful! And don't be angry with my Iruka abuse in previous fics - I put him all back like I found him for this one, honest! (Go ahead and peek! See, he's got 'em again!)_

_**Iruka certainly has a full schedule for his first day on the job! Not murdering the boss takes up far more time than expected. Perhaps he could play "Balloon Pop" online and forget his troubles...or not...**_

o0o0o0o0o0o

Bad dream, Iruka moaned in his aching head. Bad, bad dream, down boy. No daylight for you. You sit, stay, bad dream. I am in Konoha - shut it! NO! _I am in Konoha_! You will _not_ tell me otherwise. I am home, and Kakashi's coming over, and we're going to that stupid Icha movie, because he thinks its childish that I won't go and I am _not _childish. I want to make him happy, and I can sit through a movie if it makes him happy. He does a lot for me. Oohh, he does a lot for me, and so good at it too... Kakashi baby…that's right, Kashi, feel me, don't stop…let's…

"Auggh!" Iruka's eyes bugged as the dark-outlined lids hovered over him, and he definitely felt hands where his dream had just placed them. The mind-tweaking view of the kneeling porn star swam into instant clarity.

"Ai, Iruka, easy," Higaara smiled, all lower lip. His hands were doing something amazing and it was almost impossible, but Iruka managed to push him away. "I was just trying to help with that. A little more relief and that headache will go away completely."

Which head? Iruka wondered obliquely . They both hurt now.

"Iruka?"

"Ahh, Higaara, stay away! I need to use the rest room."

"Let me help."

"Do you ever back off? Just tell me where it is, dammit."

"Do you need privacy?" he asked knowingly.

"Yes," Iruka said wearily. "I need privacy."

Higaara handed him warming oil and a towel from a nearby cabinet. "You shouldn't get up yet. I'll leave and lock the door. When you, uh, feel better, just unlock the door." He smiled and let a look of regret cross his face, pausing in case the shy sensei had a change of heart.

No change of heart seemed to be forthcoming, so true to his word, he left and locked the door on the way out.

Iruka started working on his most painful problem immediately, hurrying to push his pants down past the point where he sprang skyward for a little more freedom. He nervously glanced at the door, figuring he could get squared away quickly enough if someone tried to come back in.

Hell with it, he pulled his legs together tight and arched his back to thrust himself out. This wasn't going to take any time at all, his toes were already pointing down hard and his glutes were clenched tight. With a hand slicked with oil he pulled and squeezed and slid…silver hair and mismatched eyes bobbing in his lusting imagination…

His chakra figuratively tapped him on his shoulder , even as his breath caught and held in the beginning of his slow explosion of pulsing cum…and as his load flew everywhere, and a part of his mind said '_the towel, idiot!_", the chakra part of him, waiting its turn, said…

'Ahem. There's a camera rolling.'

Shit shit shit!

He covered himself with the towel and covered his face with his hands. The oil smelled like almonds. His life smelled big time at this point.

He finally cleaned up as best he could, grudgingly admitting that it had worked and his headache was gone. Of course, the person who helped him with it was the person to blame for the whole situation anyway. Bastard. How dare he - where was the camera, anyway? He could just smash it in a million pieces…but there was just a lens set into a tiny electrical box in the wall, near the ceiling. So the camera was here, but it probably relayed the images elsewhere. And the little light was glowing red. No doubt about it, his little bout of self abuse got transmitted - though hopefully not recorded - somewhere by someone.

Unbelievable.

Now what?

He re-assembled himself as best the could, then crawled up into a black leather executive chair and held his face in his hands. It's probably just a security camera, Iruka reassured himself. Some fat old guard probably slept through the whole thing. Or had a heart attack in the middle of his ham sandwich.

Why would Higaara have an office like this? Probably an indulgence, something they gave him to stroke his ego and make him feel important. No wonder he thinks he can get away with doing anything he wants to anyone.

Iruka's eye twitched when he thought of the way the man had been taking liberties with him when he was waking up.

Well, mission or no mission, that wasn't right. Maybe he could find a loophole that would justify his giving that guy a black eye. It would be against the mission rules in the strictest sense. Iruka had always followed the rules up until now.

Worse still, when Jiraiya came back with a scroll from the Tsunade further pimping him out to these people, he'd have to comply. Missions sometimes included seductions and ninja, male and female, were schooled in such things. Iruka had not had many such missions, but he had been successful at the few he had been assigned, having sex in one form or another with both sexes and even one freaky scene involving a wolf summon. Now that one had him scrubbing himself raw for a week.

So no, it wasn't prudishness on Iruka's part that made this so uncomfortable - it was Higaara's unsportsmanlike conduct. Any expected intimate elements of a mission were usually spelled out rather clearly up front to avoid any kind of, er, mission abuse. It was supposed to be set up so that a well-to-do client couldn't include purely sexual services in with a mission merely by paying extra for the privilege.

It was a fine line. Selling nin for suicide missions somehow came across as more acceptable.

Of course, nin on a mission had seduction as part of their arsenal and were free to wield it as needed without asking permission. Like that would be effective here. Might as well threaten a cat with tuna.

The door unlocked and swung open. Well, that added suspicion to the chunin's brewing unrest. Wherever Higaara went, perhaps he'd been watching. How else would he know that Iruka was reassembled and pouting at the desk, not still taking care of business? He didn't even knock.

"What, did you think I was hoping to catch you doing something interesting?" Higaara looked indignant at Iruka's glare.

'_What does he have to be annoyed about?_' the chunin puzzled at the sudden unfriendliness.

"Where were you ?" Iruka asked thinly, his resolve to tell the man off stalling out.

Higaara ignored him, shifting into a rather bitchy mode. "You seem to be fine now. Enough wasting time. We need to screen Caligula 1 and make notes. Flash has agreed to do your body shots tonight after hours. You should be honored, the man virtually never puts in overtime."

Iruka gathered himself mentally. As bizarre as this all was, it was still a mission he was duty-bound to execute. He needed to remain professional, whatever that might entail in such a strange profession. It would help his own sanity and self-esteem to keep it impersonal.

That was it, of course. The obvious answer. He needed to remember there was no option here. The only acceptable procedure was to engage in the battle as it was given to him. His mission. It was not personal, it was a job. Just as Kakashi was not a vile creature of murderous intent, Iruka was not a porn industry enabler or sex object. It was a job. And the better he did it, the sooner it would be over. He should stop rocking the boat and try to fit in.

Iruka took a deep breath. He could feel Higaara's eyes taking in the change in his posture, his attitude.

Iruka allowed himself to transform. He canted his head to the side just slightly, gave his hair a slow, calculated push out of his eyes and past his cheek, just until the hollow of his neck came into view. His shirt was off one shoulder and he left it that way, just enough to remind that more bare flesh was still loosely captured and awaiting exposure.

"Just show me where you want me," he said quietly.

Higaara was speechless.

"Do you have a pen and pad for me?" Iruka asked, rising slowly out of the chair and coming within an inch of the redhead's nose. He let the tone of his voice fall, adding unknown meaning to his innocent words. A tendril of brown hair insinuated itself back down across his eye in wanton disobedience. "I mean, you wanted me to take notes. That's all you want…right?"

Eyes flashed and Higaara took a step back, nodding his head slightly and turning to fish around in the desk drawer. He produced yellow lined pads and pens, holding them up almost defensively.

"Let's go," Higaara mumbled, pushing him vaguely in the direction of the door.

Iruka smiled inwardly. Somebody's used to calling all the shots, he thought smugly. He hoped his newfound confidence was going to work as well as this from now on.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Kakashi smiled with the whimsical curve of eye, and joined in echoing the leering laughter.

"Glad you snapped out of it, Hatake," Jiraiya cackled. "This is one sweet deal."

Tsunade was swiping tears from the corner of her eyes, only to start laughing and flood the ducts again.

"What a mane, I had no idea he had that much hair!" she snorted, slapping the pictures on her desk repeatedly. "The next party that calls for a male stripper just needs to send for the Academy Sensei! We can have him do a balloon dance and pop them with kunai!"

Kakashi laughed heartily, all the while plotting to feed Jiraiya giant frog legs sometime very, very soon.

How dare they talk about Iruka like this! The man was no doubt suffering, such a private and shy person sexually, how _could_ they?

But that was all underneath the underneath. At face value, Kakashi was tickled. He was supportive. He was even willing to donate his own time to the cause, to be sure that the mission was a success.

Never let it be said that either Tsunade or Jiraiya ever turned down a freebee.

Kakashi was going to escort the business-sannin back to KazeMotion Studios for free, while on his own annual leave.

The copy-nin's masked teeth ground in anticipation.

The two sannin caught it in the edge of their perception, and it stood their hair on end.

Kakashi chuckled and rubbed the back of his head with an innocent "maah…" to distract them.

No use advertising just how many Sand nin he was willing to kill to get his koi back.

o0o0o0oo

"It's part of pre-production," explained Higaara with exaggerated patience. "The bulk of the script editing is done. They already scouted for locations and the sets are being built. The supplies are pretty much ready. Most of the parts have been cast. Since it's a skin flick, the cast is more important than anything else. And of course, I top."

Iruka was confused at that. He distinctly remembered Higaara's character bottoming as often as it topped. "But you bottomed, too."

"Top as in 'topline', rookie. It means my name is up there on the screen first. In the print ads first. Always _before_ the title." The dark-outlined eyes rolled in annoyance. "Maybe we'll get you a credit way down in the yadas as a P.A. if you like."

"I thought you have one."

"He's out, you're in. You're my new P.A. for now. He'll be someone else's gopher."

"I don't think he was too happy about that."

"If he gives you any shit he's fired. Tell him that the next time you see him." Higaara still seemed off. Iruka's inspired moment of hotness certainly had a chilling effect on the man. It didn't make any sense to the chunin. The man was nearly raping him earlier. Now, when he shows a bit of return - albeit insincere - interest, the guy's offended?

It eroded the forced confidence rather quickly. Okay, so it looked like he'd been way off on this new approach. Maybe he hadn't been, you know, hot. Maybe he'd just been ridiculous, which was how he felt deep inside. Maybe it caused the porn star to think 'ew-w-w-w'. Having seen some of things the actor did under the guise of 'acting' in these films, that would really be saying something about just how ew-w-w-w he must have appeared. It was a kill-shot to the old Umino ego.

Iruka knew he shouldn't mind that. After all, the only body he wanted to satisfy was back home, pissed and making angry obscene gestures, and he didn't need to bring more complication into that equation.

And Iruka knew how his lover felt. He was just as jealous as Kakashi. It hadn't been so long ago that he nearly killed Gai when the two jounin got tangled up in mid-youthful-challenge and it looked like the Beast was enjoying his intimate proximity to Iruka's silver stud a little too much.

He had been the model of restraint under the circumstances. Eyebrows grow back, Iruka reasoned. The man got off way too easily, considering.

He refocused, because Higaara was telling him things he would need to know.

"You need to guard your copy of the working script. Take it, read it, analyze it. I'll be giving you the day's shot list the night before. We need to go over your impressions ahead of time, then I want to hear your take again after we shoot. Each evening we'll pull the dope sheets and view any of the scenes that seem iffy. That way if anything needs a retake we'll still be at the right location with a consistent look." The redhead scratched his forehead.

"I didn't realize how much work this would be, bringing a total neophyte up to speed." Higaara was starting to look a whole lot less amused with Iruka.

Well, it had been a very long day, and it wasn't over yet.

o0o0o0o0o

Higaara watched with a blank expression as Iruka moved stoically through his naked body shots. Bending. Hands on hips. Flexing. Hands behind his head. Like some surreal variation on "Simon Says", "Flash" took numerous angles, poses, lighting schemes and then quite a few very intimate anatomical close-ups that Iruka was sure he didn't have to worry about being identified from. The mantra 'just-a-mission' repeated in forced calm over and over in the re-floofed head of hair.

When it was over Iruka dressed and had to admit he almost felt a little miffed that Higaara was distant, aloof, and bored during the picture-taking. As for now, the theatrical tyrant's attitude was one of extremely impatience. The man had been very serious and demanding as he dismissed the photographer, discussing the length of time it would take for the pictures to be ready, as if it were some life or death issue.

Those businessmen sure hadn't found Iruka's body boring.

Neither had Higaara earlier.

As much as he hated this mission, Iruka was not prepared to botch it on purpose. He followed the redhead quietly back out into the hallway and soon found himself facing a closed door as Higaara went into his office and shut the door behind him without looking back, missing the scarred nose by a millimeter.

'_Goodnight to you, too,_' Iruka thought with a snark at the closed door. _Stupid temperamental actor!_

He made his way out of the building and back to his small quarters alone in the unlit darkness of the back of the studio grounds.

One day down. This was going to be as very long mission, indeed.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto, I just borrow him for a while.

Here comes Kakashi, man of duty, ushering the important sannin safely to distant lands. Meanwhile, something's not quite adding up with this strange mission, but...wouldn't you expect an industry like this to be a little off? Still...

**Chapter 5**

The pair traveled at a fair pace and chatted in the offhand manner of old acquaintances. It made the time pass quickly. Of course, the conversation kept boomeranging back to matters concerning their destination.

"His part?" Jiraiya considered. "Slave, I think. Wears a few leather straps, nothing else. Gets flogged, yeah, flogging goes over well. Hm. Well, it's just a concept. I haven't really decided. After all, we have no idea yet if he can deliver a line or hit a mark. If he can't, we can still get some mileage out of him. But I'd like to see what he can do, first."

Kakashi nodded, considering. Could Iruka hit a mark, deliver a line? Of course he can. The man teaches miniature assassins. He's made Hyuugas feel, Uchihas smile, Kyuubis beg for tummy-rubs. He was capable of anything required of him. Can he hit a mark…baka! They didn't deserve his services.

"He took part in the dinner theater last year," Kakashi intoned obscurely.

"Oh. I had no idea. He aspires to the arts?"

Like that has any bearing on your junk, Kakashi grumped, but kept his tone light. "He did it as a favor, but he was great."

"We'll see. We'll see."

Kakashi's nervousness grew the closer they came to their destination. He could kick himself for flipping Iruka the bird. What an impulsive thing to do. People were always pursuing Iruka. He was sexy, cute, sweet and considerate, rock-hard and ripped, an animal in the sack and a perfect cuddle companion afterward. He adored Kakashi's roaming hands; he came unglued over Kakashi's sneak attacks in the shower, making enough erotic noises to stir written complains from the neighbors; and he swore that Kakashi's flesh was so delicious that someday he would just go over the edge and never, ever be able to stop sucking and biting him, not even to eat or sleep or teach. Gyahhh, just thinking about the way he said that made it difficult to walk…

Most people didn't even like the way Kakashi shook their hand (by design, of course - deliberately too limp and disinterested). He was elite, overly masculine, mysterious and unattainable in his desirability. He had innumerable breathless worshippers rather than heavy-breathing molesters like poor Ruka had…

It was an inescapable fact - Kakashi wanted and fully expected this chunin to be his.

Kakashi, who protected the village, did the truly heinous work that no one else could or would, risked life and limb for the good of Konoha.

Kakashi, who kidnapped, tortured and stole for Konoha.

Kakashi, who murdered countless souls annually without question for Konoha.

Kakashi, whom, over the years, asked virtually nothing in return but a homeland and enough pay beyond subsistence to buy fine literature, now had just one additional thing he required.

One chunin should be small compensation indeed. And it wasn't like Kakashi didn't share him. Between the copy-nin's missions and Iruka's many obligations, service to the village kept them apart far too often on a daily basis as it was.

But this kind of sharing was simply too much.

Kakashi traveled in stoic silence after a while, just listening now as the toad sage rambled on with his big plans for future projects. The copy-nin was carefully fronting a clear untroubled eye for the trip.

Hang on, 'Ruka, he thought with great determination. All doubts about reconciliation was banished. He would fix everything for his chunin. And then he would return him to his rightful place in the village.

The birds chattered nervously in the trees, slumping in relief when he passed out of range.

o0o0o0o0o

The Production Coordinator's name was Raizou. He looked more like Genma, an amusing happenstance. Iruka liked Raizou. The guy had grit.

Today Raizou was toting spears and helmets, a catapult and some sort of torture device out to the hilltop set, grumbling loudly about "another crappy sword and sandal epic" and growling for the prop guys to get their shit together.

He procured, secured, referred. He wasn't supposed to have to lug the stuff out and set it up, too.

"Where the hell is everybody?" he snarled as a shield slipped from his hand and nailed him on top of his foot. "Ow. Shit!"

Iruka stepped out and grabbed some of the load he was juggling, and walked with him out to the cordoned area. Still no sign of Higaara, he'd been in aesthetics since 5 AM. The sun was threatening to rise. The cameras were setting up, but it looked like they were going to miss the morning's "magic hour" of ambient orangy pre-sunrise. That meant certain scenes would have to be shot at sunset instead. At least, that's what Higaara had said. It was just more cinema jargon that Iruka reluctantly absorbed. Really, it was too much to have to learn so much for something that was just a one-shot. What other mission would require him to know such things?

Raizou directed him to place the items he'd carried next to the ones already piled nearby. The extras were filing out of the building, making the slight hike to the clearing. Iruka moved off to the side.

"You're in the shot." a cameraman bellowed, waving a hand over his head without removing his face from the eyepiece. He was setting his focus depth and Iruka was throwing him off.

Iruka kept moving to the side.

"Still in the shot!"

Iruka shrugged and dashed straight at the cameraman. After all, if he got behind the guy he'd definitely be out of the shot.

As he passed the cameraman and nearly crashed into the sound tech, Iruka caught his first sight of Higaara. His breath caught in spite of himself.

Stunning was the word that grudgingly came to mind. Dressed in hammered gold upper-body armor and a rakish helmet under his arm, the wind ruffling his gorgeous rich red hair. Iruka ogled in spite of himself.

And no pants under the armor. Hung like, well, just like he'd been hung in Part 1. Amazing.

No frosting on his ass either, Iruka noted. His mission self had kicked in. But the obviously fake shin guards had to go.

And would he really be strutting into battle so…unprotected? Couldn't the battle scenes at least start off dressed, then have the rigors of war expose, er, the soldier underneath? More realistic and certainly more tantalizing, in the brunette's opinion.

Iruka curled a beckoning finger at Higaara, not sure if the man's haughty air meant he would not respond.

Time to start making those suggestions.

After the initial scenes with dialogue and some sweeping establishing shots, Higaara disappeared. The assistant director took over, ordering the other characters and extras around like a dictator, and Iruka was left making somewhat unwelcome observations until the lunch break. From what he read in the shot list, Higaara had no more on-screen scenes to shoot today. It was kind of a surprise that he had left instead of staying to direct.

So now Iruka had figured out that Higaara and Jiraiya were the movers and shakers in this project. They were co-producing, co-directing; in Jiraiya's case, writing; and in Higaara's case, starring. It didn't take much to realize what a wad of money that diverted back to them.

Iruka began to feel a little naïve that he'd thought this was about art, or eroticism, or stardom.

The name of the game was profit.

o0o0o0o0o

The Sand village proper was not far away from the KaziMotion complex. It was there that Gaara, Kazekage of the Sand, sat patiently in the headquarters office, diligently handling the piles of paperwork as quickly as Kankurou could shove them at him.

"These will require more funding," Gaara frowned. "Are any more of the nins ready for duty yet?"

Temari sighed. "Still fighting for their lives. We're doing all we can. If only the cures weren't so costly."

"Damn the cost," Gaara said levelly, looking at them both. "Cure my ninjas. Even if we fall into debt, that can be repaid. Their lives are what is important."

Temari nodded, tears of love for her formerly cold and uncaring brother stinging her vision. Too much of a kunoichi to allow them to fall, she gazed at him with shining eyes and gave a respectful smile.

Kankurou shoved more paper, pointing. "That's the requisition there. If you don't need me, I need to get going. I've taken a mission, it pays quite handsomely."

Gaara nodded, but held out his hand.

"Mission scroll," he ordered.

"But…"

"Scroll. Now." Gaara's voice was quiet, but there was no mistaking this was not optional.

Kankurou reluctantly held out the scroll. After scrutinizing the contents, Gaara rolled it back up and sighed, handing it back.

"We still have that reputation," he said grimly. "You can handle it, I suppose."

His brother looked down slightly, just enough that Gaara caught it.

Soon, Kankurou, he thought. Soon we will be able to pass on missions that are too dangerous or degrading to be legitimate. Have patience.

"Please be safe."

Kankurou nodded, preparing to leave. "Thank you, Honorable Kazekage."

"Brother." Gaara held out a hand, his jade eyes projecting his worry and affection openly, and they clasped briefly before parting.

Finished with the paperwork, Gaara swept his robes around him and came around the desk.

"How long will you be this time?" Temari asked.

"A few days I think. Send a messenger lizard if you need me."

"Of course. Did the messenger bird from Konoha reach you?"

"You mean Naruto's? Yes, it did. He may be passing through here soon, let the sentries know. He's welcome to stay. Get the message to me right away if he shows up." He placed a hand on his sister's shoulder.

"You're doing a fine job, Temari. You are a true captain of the Sand. Persevere." With that he gathered up his things and made his way down the hall, feeling Temari's warm, sad eyes follow him.

_I will set everything to rights for my people_, he smiled grimly, every step bringing his village closer to redemption.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Iruka awoke the next morning, groaning, at 5 AM. It was far too early after screening scenes with Higaara clear up until midnight. He wondered how Higaara dealt with this kind of schedule. It no doubt helped that he was younger than Iruka, a fact his demeanor totally contradicted. He had a remarkably old soul. Rumor had it he was just of age to be in these kinds of movies. His physical presence was a timeless sort of magnificent beauty, strong, solid and in very masculine proportion.

The sleepy brunette forced himself into his usual morning toning routine. He had to admit his own body was less than manly in some places, that embarrassingly shapely ass and narrow waist tended to look almost feminine from behind. So he took the time to work his glutes daily during his exercise regimen to insure they would at least be muscular and hard. Not that there was anything wrong with looking like a female - if you were one. Not acceptable to Iruka. He was all man. He had the very impressive package to prove it. Even at rest it was showy, not like the guys whose manhood nearly disappeared when things got cold and/or boring. No, Iruka had the goods, and it was just that aspect of his body that was causing him so much consternation now.

He wouldn't trade it for the world, though. The thought of his lover's face the first time he'd caught sight of him in the altogether was one of his favorite memories. The copy-nin was anything but shallow, but at that moment…why, he'd whipped off his hitai-ate so fast to lock the sight with the eternally-memorizing sharingan eye he'd dropped his drink, breaking the glass. That caused one of the party's hosts to fling open the door and duck a head into the room to see what was wrong…and it certainly did throw a hitch into the progress of things.

And Kurenai nearly broke up with Asuma over the whole thing. What she'd seen was too much to keep to herself, and her blatant admiration of the sensei's sensational appearance when telling and re-telling the story sent Asuma into a jealous rage.

Well, until he finally let it sink in that the partnership she witnessed didn't lend itself to any sort of meaningful jealousy…not unless Kurenai planned to henge into a dude sometime soon.

In a full circle of the incident, Asuma had seen an unclad Iruka 'accidentally' as he dozed, exhausted from several hours of pre-mission lovin', on top of the covers in Kakashi's bedroom. Asuma was waiting for Kakashi to finish up in the bathroom so they could head out on a mission, when curiosity got the better of him.

It was just a peek. But, damn…no wonder.

He decided not to mention it to anyone. It was enough to make you think about switching teams. After all the shit he'd given Kurenai, he figured it would be better not bring it up.

And he sure as hell wasn't going to tell Kakashi.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Higaara unlocked the desk and slid the brown envelope out, re-checking the contents. The still photos, the candid video of solo sex and the professionally captured bout of seemingly playful stripping (digitally mastered to remove everyone but one stunning, long-haired brunette) all appeared to be in order.

Replacing the items and closing the package, he lit a red candle and dripped the glossy sealing wax over the edge of the flap in three places. Quickly pressing his ring into the blobs and creating his unique seal in triplicate, he extinguished the flame and hid the ring and the wax.

Higaara allowed himself a moment's regret before going to the window and handing off the envelope to a waiting messenger condor. He watched as the bird leapt into the sky and grew smaller in the predawn glow, eventually disappearing from sight.

On time, he thought. Now to see if the proposal would be accepted.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. And the rabid squirrels are public domain.

_Can't get that song "New Low" by "Middle Class Rut" out of my head. When is somebody going to sign those guys? I want to buy 'em a cup of coffee to warm em up, they look so cold out in the fog in their video clip on You Tube. Ah, enough of that._

Speaking of things fogging up…how did such a simple mission become so unsettling and unclear? Just a warning, there will be a little NC-17 in the upcoming chapters…but not quite yet. Hey, Kakashi, get a move on!

**Chapter 6**

"Hold that, and be careful. It took me three weeks to collect those. Not sure when I became a friggin' snake wrangler." Raizou handed the heavy terrarium to Iruka, and the snakes took turns striking at the sensei's neck, their frantic attempts thwarted by the glass.

"Well, they're just adorable," the brunette said dryly. A particularly loud _pling _sounded as a one-eyed snake hit glass with rattling force. "Hey, what happened to that one?"

"Dunno, that was how I found it. Guess it can suck to be a snake, too."

"You don't like your job?" Iruka was curious. It seemed like a fun job. Seemed like you wouldn't have to kill very often with a job like that, but you never know.

"Ah, it's okay. I just like to bitch. I'm pretty damn lucky to have work. You like your job? How long you been a P.A.?"

Iruka considered his response, and told his sketchy cover story smoothly. It wasn't strictly required by the mission to hide his place of origin, but he was simply being a responsible shinobi, removing his ties with Konoha from any information he volunteered outside the walls of the Leaf village.

"Working off a debt, huh? That's odd." Raizou worked quickly, lacing leather tatters onto a torture frame.

Iruka's expression of confusion spurred the busy man to explain.

"It's just that, people from other provinces don't get to work off debt here. All of Sand is in debt. If there's work available to pay off debt, we have a waiting list with damn near every shinobi and villager's name on it." He was looking closer at Iruka.

It was too late to backpedal on his story. Iruka's mind improvised quickly.

"Well…it's not a money kind of debt," he held his breath. The one-eyed snake struck the tank in renewed vigor. "I don't owe any money."

Raizou's mouth made an "o" soundlessly and he nodded as if it all made more sense. "and you owe this to..?"

"Higaara." Shit. Hopefully that made some kind of sense.

"That's a switch. Higaara breaks everything down into cash value." Raizou gave him another sideways look. "Watch the top on that tank."

Iruka snapped down a corner that had popped up, three hissing heads following the movement of his hand and battering an uneven rhythm of strikes along the way.

"Are the actors actually going to have to work with these?" Iruka asked, hoping for a subject change.

"Yup. They're going to get bit, too. They've been getting dosed with the anti-venom for a week."

"Why?" boggled Iruka. "Why do it for real?"

"Rock Country moviegoers, baby. They know the difference, and they'll pay to see this movie over and over just for this seven-minute segment. Jiraiya found out about their obsession during one of his trips there, and the distributor promised him all kinds of bonuses, free advertising, you name it if he worked this into a major film. Rock nin _love _this shit. Everyone else can use the time to get more popcorn. I don't think your average porn patron is going to give it much notice." Raizou flipped back his light brown hair in very Genma-like fashion, and spared him a warm smile. "Sorry if they make you nervous. Bring the tank over here now."

"It's okay." Iruka handed off the tank and the one-eyed snake gave a last lunge, piling into the glass hard.

"I think that one likes you," teased Raizou. "He has good taste."

Iruka smiled at that, barely blushing. Raizou didn't seem like the kind of person to make such offhand compliments insincerely. It was nice that he'd found someone comfortable to be around here in such foreign territory, in such an odd circumstance. Any time he had time to spare on the set, he offered Raizou a hand. The overworked Raizou always gratefully accepted.

The actors were arriving, the major co-stars being primped and drilling lines at the last minute, readying themselves for their scenes. Higaara had no on-camera time (Iruka wondered if the exclusion was snake-related) but was dressed in casual clothes and dark glasses, steadily pulling the strings and making the cast and crew dance to his orders without resorting to barking demands. He had a powerful presence. When he spoke, everyone listened.

He'd been ignoring Iruka almost pointedly since the second day. Jiraiya hadn't returned yet, and the chunin was beginning to feel hopeful that Tsunade had denied the request to have him participate in the film. He was able to fade almost seamlessly into the crew, his hair back in a plain ponytail, no makeup, and in a simple beige studio-logo polo shirt and plain khakis. Just another pair of hands, pulling cables, lugging props, jogging back to the main building to fetch missing costume pieces, safety pins and replacement bulbs.

Just before the lunch break, which didn't come until well after 2 in order to finish all of the "Snake takes" in one session, Iruka was gathering up the last dead snake. It was the one-eyed one, the one that seemed to find him especially bite-able. It seemed sad that part of the reality scene included several brutal methods of killing the snakes while using them in battle between two jealous rivals. Those Rock nin must be a real fun bunch, Iruka supposed with a shiver. A hand surprised him on his shoulder, and he glance back quickly.

Higaara was looking at him with an unreadable expression. "Lunch, with me. Now."

Iruka straightened, and went to take the tank of dead reptiles to the prop cart.

"I said now. Leave it." Higaara was walking away from him already, hand high above his head tracing a circle in the air as if spinning an imaginary lasso. As others on the crew caught the signal they mimicked it to pass it on and began readying for their break, shutting down and packing up for lunch.

"One hour, people," Higaara called, and the time limit was repeated in shouts down the line.

Iruka took a look at the retreating back, jogged to set the tank on the cart anyway and then jogged to catch up with Higaara. After all, he'd promised Raizou, and he didn't want the man to think he went back on his word.

They tromped back into the main studio building and found themselves back in the conference room, and Iruka was once again faced with choosing one of the twenty-odd chairs to settle in. The young man who first showed Iruka around appeared with serving platters of hummus and pitas, exotic olive tapenades and skewers of grilled meats. The smell was wonderful. Small icy glasses of precious water with mint leaves plastered decoratively on the sides glistened temptingly, and a thick yeasty mound with a golden crust drizzled in what appeared to be honey icing sat on a silver pedestal with a crystal cover.

Higaara sat solemnly in the chair next to him, at proper distance. He passed a gold-rimmed china plate to Iruka, along with a flat silver eating utensil and a decorative hemp-cloth napkin.

"Help yourself," he motioned, watching Iruka intently, as he tore a pita and scooped a portion of the hummus onto his own plate.

"Thanks." Iruka went straight for the kebabs, his favorite ethnic Sand food. He picked out a couple of side items and then dug in. The two men ate in relative silence, the clink of utensils on the delicate china sounding odd in the massive, acoustically controlled meeting room.

Higaara sipped at the water, chewing on a mint leaf. "I've given you some time to adjust on your own."

Iruka froze momentarily. He hadn't figured that out, really, he'd just figured Higaara had been busy. He nodded and resumed chewing and swallowing. "Okay."

"Jiraiya will be here any day. He has the new mission scroll. You're in the film, Iruka."

Iruka placed the utensil on the plate and sighed.

"It binds you to me completely until the project is over. To me as a filmmaker, and to me personally as my Obedient." The unnaturally deep blue eyes stared with a slightly predatory glean.

Iruka didn't bother to stifle his gasp. The news about the film was very disappointing, but not a surprise. To be bound as an Obedient was a shock. As an Obedient he could refuse no order, make no complaint, he couldn't even leave on the closing date of the mission until ordered to do so by his overseer. "I figured I would give you fair warning. I plan to make full use of this new development."

"What do you mean by 'full use'?" Iruka asked in scarcely concealed disbelief, because as soon as he read that scroll, his days of asking questions without pleading for permission were over.

"Full. Use." Higaara tore at a piece of meat with his perfect sharp teeth, ripping it from the skewer. He ate it slowly, sipped the water. "You understand me, I think."

Iruka tried to swallow, then took a gulp of water to unstick his throat.

"I…don't. I don't understand at all. Why me? This is so extreme. So…so…it doesn't make any sense."

"You have some very special qualities, Iruka. Very special. I have so many faceless people around me all of the time, offering Kami-knows-what at the drop of a hat…and here you come along, making fun of me, resisting my attentions…I had to _force_ you get to naked just for pictures, for crying out loud. Do you know how many people try to surprise me by showing up naked in my dressing room, my office, my home? How much of a pain it is to be surrounded by witless sex-crazed fans who think of me as their favorite erection?"

"So you think ordering me around is going to solve all that for you? You get nothing but unwanted slavish attention, but then you want to treat me like a slave - why?"

"I want you. You're special." The tone was almost offhand. As if he were saying, I like oranges, or, get me a drink.

"Don't do it, Higaara. I have someone special already. No one else matters to me that way. I'll hate it. I'll hate you." If there was a way to change the way this was heading, Iruka was determined to do so.

"You haven't had me yet. Don't prejudge. Keep an open mind. You're a nin, for Kami's sake. You'll meet your mission obligations without complaint." Higaara watched the anger and frustation rise in the troubled brown eyes, reading him perfectly. This was playing out so close to his plan it was almost eerie. He upped the pressure, leaning closer, and added a measured edge of threat to his tone. "Watch what you say now, Iruka. Don't say anything that will make me upset with you. Because by tomorrow at this time you'll be at my mercy."

Iruka had a hand over his mouth, staring at his plate. The man beside him was as rotten and filthy on the inside as he was flawless and stunning on the outside. That he had been the least bit flattered by the attention the bastard had shown him made him physically ill at the thought.

"You're a little overwhelmed?" Higaara smiled, almost a sneer, and tore into another chunk of meat. His appetite was suddenly ravenous, and the food somehow had flavors and smells he'd forgotten existed. The Leaf chunin was no doubt considering treason at this point. Perfectly primed. Ripe for the next step. Now to let him stew until the scroll arrived.

Iruka dashed for the bathroom and Higaara couldn't help the bitter laugh that leapt from his throat. He couldn't afford to think of this ninja as a person. He'd caught himself doing that when the man first arrived and had to squash that immediately. He was a purchased tool, with a set value, and made available for use for a price. He couldn't afford to feel guilty, to feel sympathy, to offer any consolation. The matters at hand were too important. He needed the nin to act like a nin and stop making those damn puppy eyes.

But those puppy eyes were no doubt the reason this plan was advancing, and Higaara blessed the gods of the Sand for their bashful beauty. Just a few more days, and he wouldn't have to deal with them anymore.

xxx


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **Oh, I realize that I don't own Naruto. Ours is a free and open relationship.

_Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! and now... _

_One silver-haired jounin, comin' right up! Just what the chunin ordered!_

**CH. 7**

Iruka moved mechanically through the afternoon, helping Raizou silently, ignoring the mildly worried looks the man cast at him in between tasks. He was angry, threatened, unable to just accept what he'd been told. Maybe the man was lying. Why on earth would Tsunade make him an Obedient in a situation like this? Would she go that far just for money? What had been the asking price for his soul?

The shooting wrapped for the day, Higaara asked Iruka if he wanted to join him for dinner, as if nothing were wrong. Iruka declined stiffly as a last act of freedom, and followed Raizou to help him store the final load of fake stone columns on a rolling flatbed cart. His stomach rumbled.

"Hey, you shouldn't have been so quick to turn down dinner with Higaara, he eats better than any of us." Rai laughed, but Iruka dampened his amusement with his serious look.

"What's the deal with that guy, Raiz?" Iruka frowned.

"He's a good man. He's done a hell of a lot for Sand. He doesn't advertise it, but all of his profits from his movies get plowed back into the village."

Iruka was floored. "Are you sure?"

"Positive. And from the last figures I saw, this movie is going to be a huge success. Just from the distribution to the Rock Country the projected take should push this way past highest gross. Especially since this will be released in a soft season as far as competition goes. Of course, nothing's guaranteed in this business, but this is as close to a fool-proof box-office number one as you're going to get. It should go a long way toward bailing the Sand out of debt."

Iruka knit his brow, and shook his head to help his muddled mind think. So Higaara's talk about needing his input the make the movie more profitable was just bullshit? Well, in retrospect, it did sound like complete bull shit. Who walks up to a guy on the street with that kind of offer?

And he's channeling every dime to bail out the village…but wastes what must be an ungodly amount to make a thoroughly bullshitted Leaf chunin his Obedient. Was he crazy or obsessed or what?

Iruka had plenty of experience with pushy, crazy admirers. He'd been chatted up, hunted down, felt up and blindsided. He'd been courted, goosed, stalked and set up. He'd even been pampered, teased, baited and bribed. He knew the signs, normal and ab.

But Higaara didn't exhibit any of the classic vibes. Sure, he talked a good game - he was an actor after all - but where were the real looks, the serious touches, that invasive sense of closeness? The feeling of being lusted after just wasn't there. Maybe it was wishful thinking, wishing that Higaara was just being eccentric.

If he didn't desire Iruka in that way, it would mean that the real purpose of being made an Obedient was unknown. Or maybe it was a lie, maybe he wasn't being bound that way at all. Maybe it was some kind of test. Higaara was playing him, that was getting clearer. It just wasn't coming together as to what the game was.

"Want to come to my place for dinner?" Raizou smiled. Iruka tried to shift gears defensively and see if this was yet another come-on. The other man shook his head with a sideways smile at Iruka's hesitance.

"My wife always makes plenty, and she doesn't mind when I bring home strays."

Embarrassed by his faulty suspicion and somewhat humbled, Iruka declined politely.

Of course he wasn't a hot property in the land of porn stars and movie magic. He was a simple nin, and apparently so simple he now had no idea just what the hell his mission was all about at this point. All that fuss before, with his pictures…just a scheduling mishap with the photographer. Jiraiya was probably insincere, just feeding Higaara's ego by flattering his choice in assistants. Being added to the movie? Made an Obedient? All hearsay so far.

He watched as Raizou shuffled invoices to verify his orders had all arrived timely. About the third time the man looked up as if wondering what the heck he was still standing there looking at, Iruka took the hint and went to wait in the screening room. He surprised himself, feeling anxious to see Higaara again to see if he was imagining things.

Settled alone in the heavy velvet-dampened silence, Iruka sighed and for the hundredth time today felt the hollow pains of longing for his copy-nin. It was always in the back of his mind, wondering if they were still at odds, if Kakashi was going to forgive him quickly or go off on a tangent. He sure could use that sharp mind to help him figure out what was going on right now.

Four months was such a long time. Long enough for most desirable man in the hidden village to find greener pastures. Heaven knows there wasn't a soul in Konoha that didn't dream of being the object of the powerful warrior's attentions. It was intimidating for Iruka sometimes. He wasn't confident that he could hold the jounin's heart for any great length of time, and as wonderful as their interactions were now, the loss would be a hundred times more devastating when the man eventually moved on. He treasured every minute, knowing he shouldn't count on it lasting very long, much less forever. It definitely fell in the category of things that were just too good to be true.

He was still thinking wistfully of slipping his fingers under that mask to touch those talented lips when the door opened behind him.

Higaara showed up with little comment, tossing a pad and pen, then a few boxes of concession-style candies to Iruka. He leered when he grabbed Iruka's arm in a battle for the shared armrest, licked his lips when Iruka ate some of the candy, and brushed against his closest leg and arm constantly to advertise his unwelcome presence, and but it still felt like false coquettishness.

When the lights dimmed and the screen lit up, Iruka tensed but the intensity of the attentions waned until he was once again being ignored.

This makes no sense, Iruka mulled in the darkened room. No sense.

o0o0oo0o0o

They arrived without fanfare, Jiraiya heading for the front office to find out where the crew was scheduled to be today. The scroll was tucked securely in his long white traveling robe and he patted it happily. Fame and fortune had somehow stepped up to fill the void when his days of swashbuckling ninja missions ended in the advent of budding arthritis and gout. No ninja ever greeted his fifties with such a squeal of glee. It was truly a glorious time for an aging pervert to be alive.

Kakashi trailed behind and waited outside, chakra sweeping like a searchlight for his stolen sensei. No sign of any loose humans roaming about. He tried to remember what day of the week it was - had they arrived on everyone's day off?

The sannin returned with a scrawled map, and they set off over the hill, spotting the enclave in the near distance as they crested the rise. Equipment dotted one side of the downslope and figures in battle armor surrounded a dozen or so naked, writhing figures on the flatland below.

"Ah, the pre-pillage after-rape scene," Jiraiya said in satisfaction. "They have quite a few more soldiers than I thought they would."

Kakashi allowed himself a good, albeit distant, look at the fleshy squirmfest before casting his chakra out again.

_There! _The brown ponytail swung as the head it was attached to spun around, responding instantly to that brush of longed-for chi…

Iruka excitedly shifted the sun reflector in his hands, using every ounce of his restraint not to drop it and sprint across the field to meet his jounin head-on. _Kakashi! _His unabashed grin threatened to split his face clean in two, the minutes waiting for the gap to close between them unbearably long. The grip standing next to him took the reflector from him roughly in annoyance, since he was suddenly aiming it all wrong.

Iruka spun and started to bolt, and then…it hit him.

Kakashi was with Jiraiya. They were here with the scroll.

That damned scroll.

It would ruin everything. His dash turned to a stumble, and then a halt.

Kakashi's own heart soared when he saw Iruka's happy look, saw him hand off whatever that thing was in his hands and start for him in a quick sprint…but then the handsome face fell, and he stopped. The masked man grew deadly serious and crossed the distance to him in a flash.

The chunin's hands twisted into his lover's vest and he struggled to keep himself together outwardly. One look in Iruka's eyes and Kakashi silently teleported them both away, back to the other side of the hill in relative privacy.

When he realized they were alone, Iruka grabbed onto Kakashi as if he were being saved from drowning. Kakashi wrapped his arms around him in a protective, possessive embrace.

"I'm sorry. Everything's screwed up so badly," Iruka spoke through teeth clenched in regret.

Kakashi was overwhelmed with the urge to kill someone, anyone who'd had a hand in causing this pain.

All insects and small ground-dwelling creatures within a ten-yard radius shuddered and died with sudden _pops_ of crushing chakra, in a cacophony not unlike the sounds of kernels exploding in hot oil in a theater snack bar. Iruka was turning blue and pushed away to smack Kakashi on the chest.

The copy-nin regained his self-control and Iruka gasped with the return of breathable air.

"Sorry Iruka. I just…I'm sorry, too. For the way our date ended." The blue eye searched Iruka's troubled face, hoping for a smile. He straightened the collar of the polo shirt deftly, running his hands over the material on those hunky shoulders, checking out the nice way it fit.

"That scroll - you don't know, do you?" Iruka's shoulders began to shake slightly, and the look on his face returned Kakashi to a full rolling boil.

"They put you in the film. I know. It's okay, I think I have an idea." the masked mouth growled protectively.

"No, Kakashi, it's worse , worse than that. That scroll makes me Higaara's Obedient, too." Iruka ducked his head low, until his chin hit his chest. "He said he's going to make full use of the situation."

Kakashi's visible eye closed, and he rested is chin on Iruka's head, pulling him into a loose embrace. "I can kill him. It would be easy. Say the word, Iruka, and he'll disappear."

"You can't kill him. Stop talking like that."

"I can kill him and revive him and kill him again over and over for a year and not kill him enough to suit me," the caring, tender voice whispered down into the soft, sweet-smelling chocolate locks.

"Oh, Kakashi," Iruka sighed, folding back into the hug. "How do you manage to make me feel so good when everything is so bad?"

"We'll figure this out. Can we get away for a while? Where are you staying?"

Somewhat revived, Iruka reversed positions and startled Kakashi by teleporting them directly into his small quarters.

They fell into bed grappling desperately and reaffirmed their deep devotion to one another for about forty-five solid, hard-driving minutes without pause. It was yet another half an hour before either got the wits or lips free to start examining the matter at hand.

"My original solution was a henge. It might work even now," Kakashi's maskless lips offered with a smile.

"A henge? That's not all that helpful," Iruka rubbed his eye, pouting like a grumpy toddler.

"Sure it is. A little nakedness and a little anonymous groping isn't a bother for me. They get your image, you keep your privacy, no one's the wiser."

"I'm the wiser. Somebody would be groping you, and that bothers me. And what about everybody thinking that's me up there on the screen?"

"I'll make you look hot, sensei."

"No, this isn't much better than what I've got going now!"

"Not true, Iruka. Because the minute Higaara pulls any of that 'Obedient' stuff on you, I'll drop the henge and pound his round."

Iruka rubbed his forehead fiercely. This was so stupid. But it was a way out. He was not going to let Higaara use him inappropriately. And if the use was something less than tawdry, as Iruka strongly suspected, it would likely be something that Kakashi could handle without giving away the switch.

"So show me your henge," Iruka challenged, arms folded in tight skepticism. This would have to be _good_.

With a poof of handsigns, Kakashi flashed himself wantonly as a shamelessly nude Iruka.

"Hey. I am _not _that small! " Iruka protested crossly.

"Well, I don't want everybody grabbing at you after they watch this show."

"They already have my photos, if you want to fool them you need to get it right!"

"All right, all right. Who knew you were so vain."

"Kakashi!"

"Just teasing. Look, when they come for you I'll go instead." He henged again, and this time Iruka nodded, satisfied.

"Just like looking in a mirror." The chunin was starting to feel a bit better. The plan looked plausible, although there was no time to examine all the possible circumstances that might come up. And other than being discovered, there was no true danger, like getting tortured or stabbed . Things seemed much brighter, less worrisome. It seemed almost silly that he'd been so worried. Kakashi seemed to be having fun with the idea, and that made Iruka feel leagues better about everything.

"If I looked in a mirror now, sensei, I'd be all over myself. Do you have any idea what you do to me?" Kakashi captured him by the waist, hugging him hard until they were plastered together so tightly that they felt each other's heart rhythm.

"Kai," Iruka groaned into his own neck and sucked in delight as the jutsu dispelled and lighter, leaner taunt flesh greeted his greedy lips.

They were dangerously indulgent, far too into their moment to be prepared when the insistent hammering came at the door.

"Iruka!"

They jumped apart in surprise. Throwing the henge back on now was too risky, too easily detected at this range.

"Just a minute!" Wide brown eyes turned to Kakashi, searching.

Kakashi spelled swift signs in Iruka's palm to address this new wrinkle silently. '_In a couple of hours I'll come trade places with you. Hide before I get there if necessary. I will take over as you. We meet back here tonight_.'

Iruka nodded and yanked on his pants. With a set jaw he watched Kakashi step back and crouch behind a large unopened box to conceal himself. He fought back into the polo shirt and smoothed his hair back hastily, stepping to open the door.

Higaara stood there, scroll in hand.

"Let me in."

_Kakashi will kill him and hang for treason if I do_, Iruka flinched. "No, I'm done here." He toed into his sandals and pushed past Higaara out the door, praying Kakashi maintained control and stay concealed. Their plan should still work. But he'd have to take the risk of reading the scroll and binding to it now. There was no other way.

"You left the set without permission. There will be no more of that kind of behavior. This way, then. We must be brief." Higaara led him back to his office, but didn't offer him a seat when they entered. He closed the door deliberately, motioning for the nervous chunin to join him.

They both stood over the desk as Iruka took the scroll and reluctantly performed the ritual to break the seal. He let it unfurl across the lacquered desktop, heart sinking at the glowing purple kanji near the bottom. It was there, making the bulk of the orders preceding it regarding his film role inconsequential by comparison. And it indeed bound him to Higaara personally, without limit.

"Your hand." Higaara held a glinting object, a cheap, common single-edged razor blade. He slit Iruka's thumb and his own without pause, and guided their dribbles of thick life fluid over the chakra-enhanced rice paper . Their blood made spatters on the way to creating a tiny pool on the tail of the last purple character on the scroll. A puff of smoke issued from the scroll and the kanji turned deep crimson. Higaara pressed his own hand flat on the transformed writing and then regarded Iruka thoughtfully.

"Where?" he said softly, almost to himself. "Ah. Here." He reached out and slipped his hand into Iruka's shirt, pressing his hand on the hard abs just above the left hipbone. Iruka winced and suppressed a cry at the deep burning sensation, and the sudden restriction he felt on his chakra. "You are bound to me. You must speak these words: I agree to be bound by the marking of my flesh."

Iruka cursed Tsunade furiously in his mind. "I agree to be bound by the marking of my flesh."

Higaara held the shirt up in satisfaction. _He agreed so easily. _The small red kanji was now seared into the tan skin, just visible on his stomach at the beltline.

"You're mine now, until I choose to release you. This might unsettle you physically for a bit. We'll need to take the walk back to the shoot slowly." Higaara rolled up the scroll and dropped it out of sight next to an identical one still sealed in his desk drawer, locking them both up securely. He reached out to support Iruka by taking his elbow.

The brunette pulled back instinctively.

"Give me your arm," the redhead said, barely audible.

Iruka's arm complied without any conscious thought or intervention required. The realization further shocked the chunin. His body obeyed commands before he could edit his response. And now, as if triggered by Higaara's first command, Iruka's body was no longer his own.

He could only gaze helplessly as the questions spun in his head. He couldn't figure out how to ask for permission to speak, and just trying to speak or move normally gave him no result.

"Offer yourself to me." Higaara smirked. Iruka helplessly began to do just that, but it mercifully did not go farther than just undoing is pants. "Stop."

The actor's long, dark tongue swept forward and traced his frozen chin, then just as quickly moved away. "You truly understand how things are now. I'm going to release you to normal activity so we can finish our day. But tonight, at midnight, you will come to me in secrecy. Meet me here in this room. You may not speak of this with anyone. If you are specifically questioned, you will say that the Obedient order was not on the scroll. Only the work orders for the film. Do you understand me? I release your body's control to you for now."

Iruka was now able to nod, and the distress was able to show in his eyes. He was locked into the midnight meeting with no way to tell Kakashi. But perhaps when they switched places, Higaara would say something that would give it away. Kakashi was clever, perceptive and supremely intelligent. Faith in Kakashi buoyed the enslaved sensei's spirits. It was not a matter of whether Kakashi could make everything right for them again - it was just a question of how long it would take the elite jounin to do it.

He almost pitied Higaara for racking up the kind of karma debt no man should ever owe to the copy-nin. He would be paying dearly, but he so richly deserved it. Iruka allowed himself to feel a trifle smug. It was a comforting if vengeful outlook.

He fastened his pants with a righteous anger. _It's your ass, Mr. Porn Star. Wait until a real man gets his hands on it. My 'Kashi will teach you a thing or two_.

They made their way slowly back out to the nearby location, Higaara polite and helpful and confusing as hell to Iruka again. He even gave Iruka what seemed to be a regretful pat when the arrived, and watched him take his place helping Raizou again with a clouded look.

Schizophrenic, Iruka concluded. The guy has multiple realities or personalities or…_something_.

x


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto. I do have an option to buy a timeshare with Gai. What a difficult decision that one is...hm.

_Thank you for your very kind and forgiving reviews! And just when you thought you couldn't be more benevolent - here's a chapter that just begs at your feet for forgiveness! Don't listen, though - be brutal...teach it a lesson._

**Chapter 8.** _Wherin Kakashi Becomes Iruka and Enjoys It, and the two begin to settle into their plan and it's the (**WARNING!)**NC-17 chapter after all, so be sure to skip the **X**smut**X** if you know what's good for you!_

* * *

It was an unusually trying afternoon for filming. Things broke, cues were missed, things got wet and stained and had insufficient dry and/or clean replacements for retakes. As Iruka jogged back to get more duct tape, he nearly jumped a mile as a particularly lush patch of clover called his name.

"Awp!" he hushed himself immediately, although there was no one in sight or earshot. "Kakashi?" he hissed.

The clover rustled. "Over here."

He's underground? _That _jutsu?

The clover swayed. "Ru."

Iruka pretended to adjust his sandal, bending down on one knee. "Ssst. Yes, it's me. Where are you?"

The clover blinked, puzzled that it was not obvious. After all, there was little greenery other than dry brush anywhere in the whole area. Sighing, the clover patch demonstrated its superiority by reshaping into a man not unlike Iruka himself. Actually, into the spitting image of himself. He had to admit he didn't look half bad, sprawled out in the sun relaxing like that. Twin pairs of root-beer-brown eyes smiled at each other.

"I'm getting duct tape. Go in the main door, then third door on the left, right wall top shelf. Two rolls. Take 'em to Raizou. He looks a bit like Gen, same clothes as us, he's got a glass tank - that's what the tape's for. I'm just assisting him today with whatever. Just do as he asks." Iruka shot quick glances about.

"Quit looking around like that, you look like a fugitive. Teleport to your room and get some rest. I'll be there as soon as I can." They took off in their respective directions.

The bearded dragon that hunted for insects near the two Irukas tweaked his spiny head and darted back to the set. Once at Higaara's feet it disappeared in a tiny puff of smoke. The redhead turned slowly to face the hill Iruka had disappeared over, armed with the transferred knowledge.

So, there was a complication. Perhaps something he could exploit to his own advantage.

o0o0o0o0o0o

Kakashi instantly disliked Raizou. He looked like that damned Genma a little too much. And like Genma, he was way too chummy with his Iruka. He handed over the tape. Rai began to make up for not being able to make small talk earlier.

"Thanks," Raizou smiled. He was taping the broken lid onto the glass terrarium they had used before, now filled with tarantulas. "You weren't too heartbroken that we killed that one-eyed snake that was in love with you, were you?"

That didn't sound very damned good at all for an introductory comment. What was Iruka playing at with this guy, anyway? One-eyed snake, indeed. Obviously it was some inside joke. Iruka's love was very much alive and well. Kakashi gave him an inscrutable smile, trying to keep in mind that he wasn't wearing a mask.

"Hn." he replied. Uchiha-speak was such a useful language at times.

"You should have taken me up on dinner. You missed a great meal." Raizou gave him a warm, friendly look.

_And you just might have to die if you ask Iruka out again_, Kakashi decided thoughtfully. "Hn." He took the bolts of silk that the man now loaded him up with and followed dutifully.

o0o0o0o0o

Once he was sure that the fake Iruka was well-occupied, Higaara stationed the assistant director to oversee the next scene's set-up and slipped away again. The look on Iruka's face when he teleported into the Leaf nin's room would have been humorous under better circumstances. The sudden transformation from happy and relieved to trapped and startled was priceless. Higaara put a finger to the chunin's paled lips.

"You," he hissed. "You will convince your conspirator to take over for you completely. Convince him that you must leave the compound in order to stay hidden, that you know of a safe place nearby. He must not be alarmed if he does not see you. He must continue to serve in your place for days if necessary without contact from you."

Iruka nodded mechanically. _But then…if I'm not working the movie, and not here waiting for Kakashi…where will I be? Some private place, as his slave?_

"You will meet me at midnight as planned, unless I tell you otherwise beforehand. Alone. And as before - no one can know." The redhead's look was different still from any Iruka had seen. His expression was one of deadly seriousness…and as quickly as he had appeared, he was gone.

o0o0o0o0o

_My my my…what a view. _Kakashi was helping drape, twist and tangle swaths of colorful silk over and under the naked actors and actresses lying on the ground and across one another on a huge collapsed tent . Their bodies were Icha-perfect, and as he remembered the scene from the novel, he was a bit excited at what was to come next. He had to remind himself whose visage he held as the women and a few of the men licked their lips at him and brushed hands against him teasingly to ease their boredom as the scene was set up.

_I'm certainly glad I got here in time to rescue Iruka from this unbearable torture! _

He had to concentrate on the difficult task of not smiling too much. The requisite blushing was, by comparison, easy to reproduce in the henge. Since the job didn't require moving strenuously or using chakra otherwise, he was able to maintain Iruka's form seamlessly.

Another hand grazed him and he responded modestly, finishing up with the last length of red. Perhaps it was hasty to think he would just drag Iruka out of here. After all, this was sort of legit. Just a mission, really. Iruka could sit it out, have a nice rest, Kakashi was on personal leave anyway…and this was an Icha film! His favorite hobby in living color! Why let some annoying bastard of an actor spoil it all for them?

He was glad he hadn't told Iruka his plan to cut this short and take him back. Heck, knowing his chunin, the man would have thrashed him for suggesting that they bail out on a mission anyway. The important thing was that Iruka was no longer in danger of being humiliated or seduced by these people. Kakashi had everything under control. It would work out much better now if the mission went off successfully, with this minor substitution.

He stepped away, joining that Raizou guy again as they stood out of the frame. The copy-nin was anxious to make sure he had a clear view.

"Lock it down!" came the cry from Higaara as he stood scrutinizing the setup, taking back over from the assistant.

"Speed!" The cameras made barely perceptible operating noises.

"Action!"

_Oh my! Just look at that action! Yes, just like the book. _Iruka/Kakashi smiled, but just barely. Inner Kakashi beamed in delight. He would be unavoidably extra-enthusiastic for Iruka during their private time tonight.

The afternoon was uneventful other than the constant eyeful that made for one happy but tiring jounin. It did take effort to keep up the henge, and that damned annoying Raizou kept wanting him to do things that interrupted his watching, but all in all it might have been the best day he'd ever put in on a mission. As he helped wrap and tote the now-less-than-pristine-in-so-many-ways silk back for cleaning, Higaara came by and thanked him for his hard work. In a very civilized and respectful manner.

So had Iruka been mistaken? Damn, he hadn't had a chance to ask if the Obedient order had been invoked. Not likely, though, or Iruka would not have been free to trade places with him.

The sun had set and it was getting dark, the crews hauling everything in for the night. Kakashi dumped the dirty cloth on a cart and slipped away, making a beeline for Iruka's room.

o0o0o0o0o

He went in quietly. The room was still and only a dim table lamp glowed in the corner. The jounin waited until he had the door shut and latched before he turned on the overhead light.

Iruka popped up from behind the box, which was now open and half-emptied onto the small side chair. The box had been full of camping equipment, brand new, a handy assortment of outdoor gear.

"Hey." the copy-nin greeted. Iruka gave him a wry look. Kakashi released the henge with a "Kai", shaking out his silver hair as if it had been in a hat, making sure it properly defied gravity. "What's all that?"

"I hadn't opened it before, but now I'm glad I did. This is stuff for next month, when we shoot over in the Loon Valley. But I think I can make use of it now. I almost got caught already today. I'm going to have to get out of the area for a while so I don't create suspicion."

Kakashi's brow knit in doubt. "Why can't you just lay low here? Your concealment techniques are more than adequate."

"Higaara's a ninja. I don't know just how skilled, or what the heck his story is, but he's good and if there's two of us here he'll figure it out."

"Iruka, he didn't bind you? Was it on the scroll?"

"No, he didn't. It wasn't there, just the orders to act in the movie. He wasn't serious about it. So things really are not as dire as I thought. As long as we aren't discovered, we're fine. So I came up with the idea of going camping for a while."

The sincere brown eyes looked untroubled, and the lone blue eye was watching them closely. Things had a different tone now. They could relax a little, then, because Kakashi was more than pleased to take over this mission; it seemed Higaara was behaving, so that murder would not be necessary; and Iruka loved camping with a passion. Sweet!

"So you think you ought to camp? That might be a problem, Iruka. You might be mistaken for missing nin." Kakashi didn't want to overlook anything in his enthusiasm.

"Wrong. I can henge into you and get Higaara to issue me, er, you a camping clearance for the area. They won't mind having the legendary Hatake Kakashi as an informal first line of defense outside the compound. They must know you're still around, it's not like you snuck in. Not that there's been any trouble. Things have all been pretty quiet here." Iruka smiled and took both the jounin's hands in his. "Too quiet. We can't make any noise here."

"We can in your tent," the copy-nin smiled, nuzzling into his favorite neck. "Animal noises. All…night…long."

The temperature in the room took a sharp turn upward. Kakashi had never seen Iruka spontaneously start sweating and shaking all at once from such indirect stimulation. The kiss that evolved from the nuzzling was hard and demanding. He attributed it to his own overload of desire, built-up from all those explicit visuals, swamping the poor chunin. His hands delved into private territory and decided he had been sorely missed today. They had matching rock-hard arousals already, and there was no one to bother them, as far as they knew, for a while.

Kakashi selected a wide canvas belt from the box and slid the canteen off of it. He folded it over twice, then brushed it against Iruka's lips.

"Just bite on this, baby," he purred. "Since we'll need to be quiet one more time."

Iruka bit into it forcefully, teeth snapping shark-like to test it and then tossed it on the bed as he began removing clothing from both of them with plucking, quick movements. Kakashi couldn't help the leer that plastered itself on his face at the rare display of such impatient aggression. He grabbed both sides of the brown head of hair roughly, forcing it slightly down and holding it still. So positioned, he snagged the hair tie in his teeth and ripped it out , watching the cascade of soft hair complete his partner's transformation from public to private when he let go. He couldn't believe just how hard Iruka was sweating already. The slick face was so incredibly sexy…and as they quickly finished peeling until nothing but slippery perspiration separated their boiling hot skin, they began sliding sensually against each other with greedy pressure and an uncharacteristic frantic urgency.

**_XXX Begin NC-17. Certain individuals must skip to the next bold XXX's (and you know who you are!)_ **

"Damn, slow down, Iruka," Kakashi panted. "You'll get me off before we even get started."

But Iruka was sliding against him as if he were trying to penetrate the man's hard belly, humping into him hard and making way too much friction for the taller man's self-control to handle.

"You brat," Kakashi snarled, nipping hard on an ear and manhandling his way into a better position behind the grappling, grasping man. Gaining the upper hand, he wrestled them both onto the bed and obligingly cramming the canvas belt back into his partner's mouth. He barely came away with all of his fingers and the menacing growl that issued around the material went straight to his groin. Strong pale hands slid up and captured both tanned wrists, moving his weight to force their bodies forward.

That was more like it, Iruka's bare ass invitingly in the air and his face planted in the mattress. He was able to keep him there with one hand, which of course inferred consent, because one hand couldn't possibly contain the fiery chunin if this wasn't to his liking.

Kakashi used spit and every ounce of his self-control to at least get them somewhat ready before penetrating deeply with one slow, steady, intrusion of his entire length, pushing forcefully to get as far in as humanly possible and then maintaining hard, steady pressure. The pressure made his partner's ass restless and greedy in response very quickly; it was a calculated move, because they were both pretty far along, and they wouldn't get in any really hard driving unless they got to it early in the action. It was what they both ached for right now, attuned to one another's desire, to each other's body and level of response.

The growl increased in volume and intensity, sounding angry and impatient. Kakashi obediently pulled out carefully before driving back in, sliding just slightly more than they were sticking, knowing they were going to be regretting the insufficient lubrication - but only in the aftermath. Neither one of them was willing to stop now.

Iruka was pushing back hard and they slapped together with force each time the jounin hilted into the hungry opening, trying to aim and be considerate but not getting any cooperation from below. It took both of the chunin's hands hanging onto the bed to keep them hammering together instead of bouncing wildly.

There was no time to add finesse as they increased speed, Kakashi grabbed a fistful of long dark hair in one hand for control and leverage, reaching around with the other to pump the straining cock in hopes of milking it into cumming soon, because he wasn't going to be able to hold off much longer.

"Let it go for me, your hot ass is too much. I want to feel you cum, baby, so you can feel me shoot your ass full…" he rumbled dirty nothings as quietly as he could in the reddened ear, angling it to his lips by pulling the fistful of hair to one side.

Yup, that did it, perfectly timed dirty talk, and the head of hair he was pulling on arched back and hot juices squirted on his hand, giving him permission to gush his own release into the shuddering, clenching ass.

They collapsed, Iruka spitting out the belt, panting face down on the bed.

_**XXX End NC-17 You have wisely avoided gratuitous imitation Icha-style writing. Carry on. XXX**_

Kakashi gave a snarling love-bite to the sweaty back of his lover's neck. Through it all, he never noticed the subtle movements that, in spite of the seemingly random body shifts and positions, served to assure that he never had an angle that would bring the kanji branded into his lover's left side into view.

"You must have really needed that," he said quietly, still breathing heavily. "Where's that attitude coming from?"

Iruka didn't answer, just reached back and rubbed his hip with a calmer, more affectionate touch. It slowly dawned on Kakashi that Iruka hadn't made an attempt to speak - he hadn't really expected him to keep the belt in his mouth the whole time. They had to be quiet, but not _silent_. Very uncharacteristic, as was the untender nature of the tender exchange they'd just had. They both winced when he pulled out, sore and raw.

He kissed rather than bit the tanned neck this time. "You doing okay?"

A sigh was the only answer. He started feeling like his unease might be justified.

"Hey. Is something wrong?" He rolled off and went down to his knees beside the bed to get a look into those big brown eyes. It was the best way to check. Even if he tried to hide it, Kakashi could still see it if something was bothering him.

Iruka looked at him and shook his head. His eyes looked okay, sort of. The expression wasn't troubled, but it also didn't seem to quite fit. His usual afterglow look was nowhere to be seen. Maybe it was all the stress of the situation. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have sex here when they were both in non-tender mode. It had seemed a little impersonal in a way, and their precious intimacy was most personal thing in the world.

Kakashi kissed the tip of the scarred nose a little sadly. Had Iruka learned how to hide his troubles from showing in his eyes somehow? Was he pulling away, putting up walls? Had that careless obscene gesture done some damage, and if so how much, and could it be fixed?

But the sated smile that finally broke across the moist chunin's face stuffed the stars back up in the sky and planted the universe back in its proper place. "You sexy bastard. No wonder I love you ," Iruka whispered.

Kakashi grinned like a fool in relief and rewarded Iruka with an annoyingly wet tongue licking across his cheek.

Iruka made a face and swiped the saliva off with the back of his hand. "I'm wet enough already, thanks to you."

"You're welcome. Come back any time."

Iruka braced himself on a pale shoulder to crawl off the bed and staggered to the bathroom to take a shower. Kakashi flopped down to fill the vacancy and waited patiently on the bed for his turn, gingerly touching himself to see just how raw he'd been rubbed. He flinched at just a touch. That was too raw to try going two at a time for clean up. No use doing the one guy drowns/one guy freezes thing if it wasn't going to evolve into their usual shower play.

By the time Iruka finished, emerging fully dressed, it was close to ten.

"I should finish getting ready and go view the day's scenes with Higaara," Iruka sighed, ruffling the towel in his hair one last time before starting on it with a brush.

"Maybe. I'm a little beat right now, but I could put up the henge if I need to. You don't think this could be trouble?"

"No, this is one time he always behaves." Iruka banded his hair and smiled thinly. He straightened his fresh shirt before turning back to face his handsome lover. When the jounin stood to head for his turn to clean up, Iruka wrapped him in a tight hug.

"Are we starting again, sensei?" Kakashi growled bravely, conveniently naked. "I thought you were sore."

Iruka shook his head, not quite coming up with a smile.

"Just saying goodbye. I need to get going. Get cleaned up and get some rest. It'll be a long day holding that henge tomorrow."

With a kiss, the chunin backed out of the hug and headed for the door. He paused as Kakashi went into the bathroom and waited for the water to start, listening with envy for the lucky droplets that would caress his love in his absence.

The attempt to convey that something was wrong was a flop. Every time the action got a little too far out of their usual boundaries, Iruka was compelled to bring things back towards their normal ways. Kakashi may have noticed things were a little different; but given the situation they were in, it would be easy to explain away.

And now, the last thing he wanted to do, he did nonetheless. He headed out the door to meet with Higaara.

x


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto and I refuse to pay his ridiculous cellphone bill until he stops texting "believe it!" to everyone twenty times a day!

Thank you for comments, criticisms and encouragement. This chapter is a bit of a set-up, to toy with you shamelessly! So much fun (unless I bat you under the 'fridge and can't reach you with my paw, that's so frustrating!).

**Ch. 9 - wherein Higaara pushes Iruka's buttons and sends him. _Really_ sends him. **

The screening got off to an ignominious start. When Iruka went to sit in his seat, he sat in the palm of the hand Higaara secretly slipped beneath him. The hand groped his sore ass shamelessly, and the rest of the time in the darkened theater went downhill from there. By the time the lights went back up, no notes had been taken, the hair-tie was broken, and one ear was nearly deaf from the constant deep tongue-probing.

Where the man had been unavoidably erotic with his subtle touches during Iruka's ill-fated photo session, he was ham-fisted and overbearing tonight. Iruka's role as Obedient was never clearer.

Instead of the office, Higaara led Iruka to a totally unfamiliar area and a glossy black door.

"My orders are now amended. We meet now in my private quarters - my 'dressing room'." Higaara pushed the door open. "Enter."

_It's so…purple! _Iruka thought_. _Ungodly amounts of purple accented with red and emerald green. The room was huge, one wall lined with mirrors. On a platform in the back, a round bed with lush silk and satin purple bedding rotated slowly. It glowed softly under professional lighting and reflected in the huge ceiling mirrors. A spa, fashioned of what seemed to be solid quartz crystal sat steaming next to the bed platform, the spa walls themselves glowing with slowly changing colors.

Shoji screens were folded and stored against the wall, and racks of costumes were lined up near another door that appeared to lead to a bathroom. What could have been the Modern Museum of Kinks exhibit came next, a huge display case with a wide assortment of adult utilities with an emphasis on bondage and sadism.

The feeling of being really, really over his head leadened Iruka's heart. Normal stuff would have been bad enough with this guy, but…he wasn't ready for this. Somehow he couldn't steel himself enough to keep this out, to keep from feeling all dirty inside. If it wasn't for the Obedient order, he wasn't sure he could nin up enough to do this. Maybe it was a good thing the Obedient order had happened. He hadn't aborted a single mission up until now, and this might have been his first.

"You can speak freely," Higaara said with a slightly raised brow. "I can always make you shut up if I don't like what you have to say."

"I want to leave."

Snickering, the porn star began to loosen his belt. "Well, it's not what I want. So let's make you want what I want. We'll start with something simple, eh? You want to feel my kiss on your lips. You want my tongue in your mouth. You desire me as your lover. Now come show me how you feel."

With that the chunin's mind split neatly in two. The part of his mind that controlled his actions moved forward as if placed in a dream, filled with desire for the beautiful body waiting with open arms to be pressed fully against his. Iruka's true self could only witness the actions, not unlike the feeling of realizing one is dreaming but not being able to awaken. The physical arousal bridged the realities, and the pleasure that shot through him delighted and disgusted him in equal measure. What little resistance he could generate only made his hands tremble.

"You would prefer this on the bed. You ache for the bite of restraints, don't you? Yes, I think you do. Show me how much you ache for it. Touch yourself for me, until I force you to stop."

But Higaara hadn't told him to shut up yet. And his true self fought hard to get in one last protest.

"The only way you create physical desire is with your orders. I am sickened and disgusted by you." Iruka swallowed hard, struggling in the quicksand of the undeniable orders.

"Stop!" the redhead barked, pushing him away. "You disappoint me."

Iruka's minded melded back together, idling roughly. The desire for the body before him evaporated completely and instantly.

Blue eyes regarded him icily. "You're a pig. A squealing, whining pig. Why I thought I'd have any use for you is beyond me. I must have been temporarily insane. And you've cost me a fat lot of money. You know what? Maybe I'll make a casting change. You can be the gang rape victim. And I'll make sure the cast knows you want stimulated sex, not simulated sex. I'll just order you to want it, and you'll be begging them to do you until you die. Do you think your friend will like that? Do you think he'll get a kick out of watching you take on a dozen guys and beg for more? Answer me!"

"He won't like it."

"I bet. He's trouble, isn't he? I don't need that, either. I just need to get rid of you. But I don't like wasting my money. I tell you what, piggy, I'll give you what you want. Now see how nice I am? Rewarding for negative behavior! I'll release you from this mission. But you don't get off scot-free. There's a suitable replacement for you at a studio over near the Cliff dwellings. Exchange your services for his while we're shooting - and do this willingly - and I'll release you. No other strings. They have some props I'm borrowing, so I was already sending some men over tomorrow to pick them up. You can go with them. And I assure you - the movie they're working on is _not_ in this particular genre."

Anything was better than being near Higaara under his control. Anything. "I'll go. I'll do it."

"You really have no concept, do you? Just what you missed out on?" the lined eyes narrowed in a wolfish smile. "You are such a fool. Go wait for me on the bed and be still. I need to think. I do hate to let you off the hook so easily."

Iruka moved to the bed. Damn! He was almost given a pardon. He sat heavily and looked up, seeing his own foolish face reflected above. The flattering lighting couldn't erase the look of desperation, and his perpetually challenged self-esteem took another mortal hit. Some ninja. Afraid of having sex with some actor, having a few pictures taken. Having to be rescued by his boyfriend. A regular tough guy.

He let his head drop back down and he stared at his khaki-clad knees. Sometimes, when he left Konoha and the academy, he got a little lost inside. Sometimes it got difficult to be himself, to remember who he was, when he left on a mission and didn't have familiar faces to ground him. If he had to admit it, that was what made this situation so difficult. He didn't feel grounded enough to pull back into himself in a situation like this, and so had nowhere to go to hide.

"If you're just going to brood I guess there's nothing for it. That look you have is not interesting, and I guess it's not going to change. I warn you, if the men I send with you don't return with your mark agreeing to properly fulfill the requirements for the other studio, I will have them bring you back in irons. Things will be twice as difficult for you, then. For you, and your friend." Higaara sat next to him, then flopped back on the bed, admiring himself in the mirrors with a slight smile that he adjusted a few times until it was his best look.

He congratulated himself for producing the fake scroll, adding the counterfeit Obedient order that would have been far too costly to purchase. The Hokage likely would have refused it anyway. The man had sealed his own fate by assuming it was real and agreeing to it! But it wouldn't last forever like a true Hokage's reassignment of the nin's freedom. It had, however, been a very useful tool in maneuvering the chunin to this point, poised to freely agree to the reassigned mission for Suna. That, and his deadly acting skills, convincing the shy sensei he was obsessed with him sexually beyond all reason, and was now bitter and abusive at being scorned.

And now they could cancel the location work with the tar pit scene, his backup plan no longer needed. There he would have staged Iruka's accidental death during filming in order to kidnap and hand him over as a prisoner instead. But this way was much better, much smoother. And technically quite legal.

Iruka turned slightly and looked at the posed figure next to him. He didn't want to make sense of any of it anymore, none of it made sense. When Iruka came here things were tolerable, then things went bad, then they went worse; then Kakashi came bringing the evil scroll but also a solution and support; then even that went to hell, and well, in hell he remained.

_The hell of a satin-covered bed complete with an unimaginably gorgeous and willing lover?_

_I'm going insane. I have to get out of here now._

"I said I'll go."

A warm, gentle hand rubbed his scarred back and it gave him an attack of the willies between his shoulder blades.

"A shame. Really. " the redhead sat up, removed his unwanted hand from the tan back as he felt it shiver. "Because you really are quite special."

The pale hand touched the bare tanned forehead in a rare moment of honesty, remembering how cute the laughing chunin looked back when he'd first laid eyes on him. How vulnerable and attractive he looked when he was relaxing in the conference room when he first arrived, in his well-worn uniform with his Leaf hitai-ate just a little askew. Under other circumstances he would have been tempted to take the same course of action to bring the man here with very different results in mind. By now he could have been applying for receivership of the ninja to wipe out his old village affiliation, and naturalize him as a citizen of Suna. No one had ever resisted his true charms, charms he used very rarely, and the chunin had definitely been susceptible at first.

It was a fruitless line of thinking. There would be no chance for any of that, even if he managed to make the man understand why he had to do things this way. He resisted the urge to place one last kiss on that delectable face, and turned away instead.

"Return to your room. Go to sleep, no fooling around, you'll need your strength to travel. Your partner must think you are merely leaving to go hide out in the morning. Be at the roll-up door of the fabrication shop at 5AM packed to go. If you think you'll be seen, just go inside the shop - it will be unlocked. Two Sand nin will meet you there. Go with them and follow their guidance."

Iruka rose and went to the door, but before he could open it, Higaara was speaking again, voice raised pompously to carry across the large room.

"You failed this mission. Failed. Your only redemption is to succeed at your new one. If you do I will spare you the shame of reporting your failure to everyone."

"Stop beating a dead horse. I already agreed. I won't fail." Iruka's eyes flashed in anger and Higaara nodded, smoothing the bedspread absently.

"You are to tell no one about this reassignment. No one must know that you've left. You may return to your room now."

And when the door closed the redhead let his shoulders slump, the act falling away completely. He wilted down to curl up on the gaudy bed and close his dry, aching eyes. This had to go off without a hitch. Time was growing short. And the sooner it was over, the better.

The chunin left, closing the door sharply behind him, and stalked down the hallway.

There was no way they would fool Kakashi. But for now he would have to get away cleanly, and explain afterward. If Kashi hadn't already beaten the truth out of the jerk before he returned, that is.

o0o0o0o0o0o

It wasn't the strength to travel he needed so much as the strength to climb. After a full day of moving over relatively easy rolling desert terrain, the true challenge rose before them.

High up into the mountainous ridge, with crumbling shale sliding underfoot and very little foliage to grab for purchase, it was quite an effort reach their destination. The uneven terrain and huge rock formations were nerve-wracking, there was rarely a point where they had a clear view of their surroundings, and a million places where attackers might hide. It left them badly exposed to ambush while they were forced to spend a great deal of concentration on not sliding off the face of an steep, irregular incline and being buried in a rockslide. Iruka's ninja instincts burned with exaggerated wariness.

Reaching an outcropping several hundred feet up, they edged along a narrow ledge to a wider, obviously well-used overlook. A man in fatigues roughly the color of the cliff wall stepped out as if from nowhere. Iruka tensed but the lead Sand jounin hailed the man with familiarity.

"Here he is," the Sand nin said, pulling Iruka forward firmly. "Let's see it."

The other man produced several papers, an envelope, and a pen. He held out two sheets to Iruka.

"Sign here, on both."

Iruka scribbled his signature to what he recognized a Sand version of the standard 'Additional or Transferred Services' agreement. The man folded and kept one copy, then gave the other copy along with all of the other paperwork to the waiting Sand nin.

The Sand nin inspected everything . He pulled a bundle of cash from the envelope, checking the amount. Once he was satisfied, he nodded. "And the supplies?"

A hand waved to the side, and Iruka saw that there was an entrance into the cliff face just around a bend in the ledge. A stack of eight large boxes stood at the entrance.

The Sand nin pulled one out of the middle and opened it, verifying the contents.

"Deal?" asked the Cliff nin.

"Done." With a whistled signal , six more jounin-level Sand ninjas appeared from their hiding places among rough cover in the erratic landforms and leapt onto the ledge, each grabbing a box and disappearing again just as quickly. Then the nins who had escorted Iruka took the last two.

"Your mission is confirmed. This is the man that contracted for your services. Do your best." The Sand nin gave a careless salute while balancing his box and the paperwork, and then he was gone as well.

The Cliff nin beckoned soundlessly and Iruka followed the man into the cliff opening. They made their way deeper into the passage until they reached a finished room where a man waited in the shadows who could have been the Cliff nin's twin. It was dimly lit, and Iruka frowned as they took his hands and placed iron cuffs on his wrists.

"Are we shooting today?" It was sort of a clichéd dungeon setting.

"Yup." A chain threaded through the rings in the wrist irons and with the slap of a tag his chakra was suppressed efficiently.

"These feel real."

"They are real. It's, uh, important to get the look right."

There was another man already in the room, fussing with equipment. Not too far from where Iruka was now tethered to a ring on the wall was a bulky, almost human shape covered with a sheet.

The two men waited while the guy moved a camera over about a foot, ducking to check the position. He took off his cap and smoothed his sweaty black hair back, seating the cap back on his head.

"Okay. Look guys, I'm going to explain the system here. I'll work with you to a point, but I won't be anywhere near here in the end, understand? I'm not involved in that part."

He continued, pointing to various things in illustration as he spoke, the two men hanging on every word..

"The spikes are coated with styptic powder - very painful and it inhibits bleeding to draw out the process. Remember - you only get _one take_. You get what you get. "

"What if the camera breaks or something? We might not even know. You need to stay here and do the filming!"

The equipment man held up a hand dismissively. "I set up three cameras at three good angles. You should get something out of one of them that you can use. Monitor them yourself, you won't have much else to do. Speaking of which, over here…"

"The Iron Maiden is set up to work automatically. It takes about 30 minutes for it to go through the cycle to the point where the spikes are fully hilted. If you've done the positioning correctly, the spikes won't hit any vital organs. Veins and arteries are harder to predict, so leave the thing shut to plug up the holes. With the spikes still in there's little likelihood of a bleed out." He rattled a lever and continued.

"So, when you get to that stage, when you're ready, you take the headpiece, hold it by this lever here. Just hold it there and stand to the side or you'll block the shot. Plus, you get more leverage this way. You just lift it and snap it shut, like so. Do it with force, quick and hard. The spikes there align with the openings in the skull…eye sockets, nose cavity, mouth. That's the closer. Make _sure_ you get that shot.

"In about a minute or so after closing the headpiece triggers the spikes in the lower frame to lift up about one inch. That will let the blood drain off through gravity and residual blood pressure, if any.

"It also triggers another camera, way down here, focused on the floor at ground level. Now this is my masterpiece shot. The floor is so uneven, I moved this thing to just the right spot. When the blood flows out right here at the drain, from that camera it's going to look like a flash flood in a stream, coursing out and around down this fissure. I tested it with water. Makes the composition of the shot just sing, the curvature of the flow, the contrast of the flooring and the blood…gorgeous shot. Don't blow that one, whatever you do."

Iruka nodded doubtfully along with the two intently listening men, wondering abstractly if the stage blood was sticky or cold. This sounded like some Gothic horror flick. Well, that was more like it. At least it would be the sort of movie he would like to go see himself!

"But not really, right?" he smiled, waiting for them to tell him how foolish a question that was. Like a little kid asking if there was a monster in the closet. Of course it wasn't real. But the way that guy talked…

" Real? Hell yeah." Tim looked at him boldly. "This is no fairy tale."

"No, come on." Iruka said, wry smile shrinking a bit.

"Well, just what did you think 'snuff film' meant?" Tom asked curiously.

"Snuff film?" Iruka blinked in shock. "_Snuff film_?"

xxxxxx

_So...here's the deal...swing by my profile (there's very little there, not to worry) and vote! for re-catagorization of this story! I have no intention of making this into something heavy, but have I already gone too far? So poll me (ouch!) and let your voice be heard! And if you review, don't hold back!_


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Attempts to lure him into my van with ramen have failed. I'm trying the "help me find my lost kitty" tactic next.

_Thank you for reviewing, reading, and for voting in the very important poll! Now, in chapter 10, Kakashi (as Iruka) tries 'acting' in the film. Meanwhile, Iruka struggles with his captors. And what captors they are!_

**Ch. 10 **

Gaara read the message plucked from the lizard's back and smiled. This was one distinct advantage to having Jiraiya working on the film at KazeMotion in Suna…Naruto came to meet up with his sensei here, and the gregarious blond was now less than a day away. And during some of the inevitable downtime, Naruto and Gaara would surely enjoy one another's company. They would feast, chat, hike, and compete in common games of skill, enjoying their somewhat unusual friendship.

Jiraiya himself had been a little under the weather, but he managed to get a sample scene put together to test out Iruka's acting chops.

Jiraiya did most of the indoor directing, the scenes where dialogue and inflection were more important. These were also the scenes where the most explicit and erotic things were featured.

This arrangement left Higaara free to exercise his directorial talent for bringing the sweeping feel of endless skies, lavish homelands, epic battles and massive armed forces into the equation. This movie was starting to feel like something different, something spectacular.

And, of course, so that Higaara didn't have to divide his attention during his most intimate acting moments.

The tired, sniffly screenwriter was highly skeptical that the schoolteacher would be able to make much of a showing in a serious adult scene, but people did surprise you sometimes.

Iruka/Kakashi stood a little slumped, bare from the waist up as specified, looking at his draft script and waiting. Of course, having received the paper under his door early this morning, Kakashi had given the sheet a quick shot with the sharingan eye and every word was already cemented into his memory. The sage was definitely taking it easy on Iruka acting-wise. Nothing very tough or horribly erotic.

When Jiraiya waved him forward to take his place, Irukashi moved with ease to the spot exactly as described in the script. He'd set the paper aside before stepping up.

"Eh?" Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "Where's your script? You're not off-book already, are you?"

Off-book, off-book…nope, no idea what the hell he meant. "What do you mean, off-book?"

"It…it means your lines and directions are memorized. Are they? Already?"

Irukashi nodded. Jiraiya looked skeptical, dabbing his nose with a clean handkerchief.

The two women took their places.

"Do I just pretend I have the tray?" asked Irukashi, who caught himself and remembered to observe proper posture. Oops.

"For now. Take it from the first line, from where you approach. Action."

"Your requested indulgences, Highness." Irukashi offered the imaginary tray. The taller woman met his eye and he reacted with the described thinly veiled interest. "I've prepared your favorites, in the way you most desire."

The second woman stood and came up behind him, delivering her line sharply. "You have disappointed me one too many times, bastard. I see the way you look at her. Guards!"

"Wait! No, please! Please, don't let them touch me!" Irukashi gave his lines proper inflection with the clear look of startled guilt tinged with fear, but the expected firm hands that were to haul him away did not materialize.

"Cut! Not bad. Lets do that again so I can see how you look on film. You, ah, you'll need to get fitted for the costume. They're working it up right now, when we finish here I need you to get over to wardrobe."

After capturing that tiny bit of screen test, Jiraiya motioned the cameraman to keep rolling.

"Get over there against that rack, get your arms over your head like you're chained up. This is the flogging scene. You don't really have any lines here, but some nice noises would be in order. Lizzy?"

No one had to tell Lizzy twice. She had the prop cat-o'nine-tails out and was making practice lashing motions already. The lashing motion caused her scanty costume to gap open revealingly with every stroke. Inner Kakashi was _way_ impressed!

He positioned himself and sent his mind to one time, back in the day; back before Iruka and meaningful relationships…back when an uber-hot young Asuma got a whip set for his twenty-first birthday…oh yeah, who needs acting school or inspiration when you have sweet blow for blow experience to rely on?

He faithfully reproduced part of that night from his crystal-clear memory. The writhing, the moaning, the arousal.

Simple, really.

After many minutes the phony flogging stopped.

Irukashi flexed his ample back muscles, stiffened a bit from holding his arms up while writhing, and twisted his sumptuous tan torso nonchalantly to pop his spine.

The two women, the cameraman and one wide-eyed seasoned patron of the pornographic arts stood in reverent silence.

"Was that all right?" Irukashi asked, shamelessly rubbing his scar to be unbearably cute. After all, if anyone knew what the chunin's cutest, sexiest, and most devastating mannerisms were, it was Kakashi. He had fallen victim to them long ago and never learned to defend himself against them adequately.

One of the women gave a ragged sigh.

Jiraiya cleared his throat. "Oh! Ah, cut! Yes, it was fine. Very…fine. I think you'll do very well, Iruka. "

Irukashi smiled shyly. The women looked at one another, then sidled forward and each took an arm.

"We'll show you where wardrobe is," the buxom blonde purred, tracing a finger on his blushing cheek. The lithe, exotic dark whip mistress suppressed a squeal at the adorable blush and tickled his chin. "Unless you'd like to make a detour on the way."

Jiraiya, remembering that Kakashi was still camping in the area and might take exception to any real pornographic activity regarding his significant other, took the high road.

"Sorry ladies, I need to speak with him. You both need to run on now and catch up with the rest of the crew." When the women left Iruka looked, not relieved, but…disappointed?

"Are you suicidal?" asked the wise sannin, startled by the slightly irritated look he was getting. "Iruka, remember Kakashi? Look, I know this whole thing is pretty surreal, but don't let yourself get carried away. If you start fooling around with these people it's still cheating. There's the movie - the script, the acting, the posing - and then there's real life. You and Kakashi seem very happy together. Don't screw that up over this. I have to admit I'm surprised; I never dreamed you'd fall in so easily."

Kakashi's thoughts refused to take a seat on the guilt trip the perv was trying to send him on.

I haven't done anything wrong, Kakashi thought indignantly. I have Iruka's permission to do this, I'm doing it _for_ him. I'm just playing the game, that's all.

Although, that was kind of a fun near-miss. Did Jiraiya actually think he had to be cockblocking? He wasn't really going to…do much. It was just enjoyable, having such amazing sexy women come on to him like that. And he was just in _Iruka's_ body. They'd be on him even harder if they saw his _true_ form.

The sage sighed. "Come on, I want to see what wardrobe came up with." All the way here from Konoha, he'd worried a bit about keeping Kakashi's fingers out of the pie. But here it was Iruka who was jumping in face-first! Wait until Tsunade hears about this!

o0o0o0o0o0o

"Snuff film?" Iruka blinked in shock. "_Snuff film_?"

"No one told you? You didn't tell him?" Tim's eyebrow raised in mild curiosity.

"I thought you did." Tom shrugged.

"Oh, sorry. Well, it's a snuff film. I thought you knew when you volunteered."

"I didn't vol-…well I did, but I didn't know…but…does that mean..?" the chunin stammered with a sinking feeling.

"Yeah. Us snuff-ers. You snuff-ee."

"I don't understand!" Iruka tugged at the chain in frustration. Very real. Not good at all.

"Well, it's a long story. Let's just say this film is a final blow in a long war. And we fully expect to win."

"Yeah, this'll floor that bastard and shut him up once and for all." Tom grinned.

Iruka's mind raced as they smiled at him happily. He needed more information, something to work with.

"If this is going to cost me my life you could at least explain it to me so I'll understand." With every motion of his hands, the chains rattled like a ghost's.

The two men shared a look and shrugged.

The cameraman sighed wearily, now realizing that interaction between the three might interfere with his relief at being finished with these weirdos.

"We're in competition with our older brother, Tell the Ninja of the Twelve Swords! I'm sure you've heard of him." Tom explained.

"And to be sure, he is a famous noble ninja, but we are Tim and Tom, The Twin Threats of Terror!" cried Tim.

Tom proudly posed in ninja First Position, featuring the Optional Raised Arms of Offense. "Yes, that we are!"

"Our sibling rivalry has grown serious over the years and now it's time for Father to pick his predecessor. Either our brother, or the two of us, will take over as clan leader when…" sniff…a tear quavered in the corner of Tim's eye…"when our Papa is no more."

"So! We have a competition! Whomsoever can bring in the most convincing presentation showcasing their strength and brutality as a ninja will rule the empire! The mansion, the chicks, the banquets, the gold, the livestock…everything goes to the winners! As twins we'd share of course."

"Wait…if you two can share the wealth, why don't the three of you just share it and rule as a team? Like a council? Sounds like there's plenty to go around."

"Fool! Foolish Leaf Guy! You understand NOTHING about ninja honor! You don't ask the legendary Ninja of Twelve Swords to be nice and share like some kid in day care!"

"So instead you murder some stranger on film?" Iruka frowned.

"You obviously haven't any clue about us or our lifestyle." sniffed Tim haughtily.

"I'm a ninja, too, damn it! Just a chunin, but still a ninja!"

"A chunin? Really?" Tim's face screwed up in doubt.

"I thought so. I wondered why you were talking to him like that." Tom chided his brother .

"Oh yeah," the cameraman chimed in, holding up a yellow copy. "See here, right on the Bill of Lading. 'One Leaf Chunin Excellent condition Cosmetic body damage: crease on bridge of nose and extensive partially repaired damage middle back. Uh…lessee.. Fully loaded, color Sable Brown on Mocha Cream, how cute! Did you write your own description?

"Don't be insulting." Iruka glared.

"No, no, it's a _great _description," the cameraman smirked, black eyes crinkling in rude amusement.

"So your dad likes snuff films?" Iruka went on, deciding to ignore the obnoxious fourth party.

"No, we don't think he even knows they exist. Should make all the more impact," Tom reflected.

"He'll respect our ingenuity then, by the Gods!" proclaimed Tim.

"What if he thinks you're just sick? You know, most snuff films are made for people who get off on that kind of thing. It's, like, kinky." Iruka looked from one man to another, watching them pale.

"What? You mean kink as in sex?" Tom looked horrified.

"Precisely. And, I am a man…is Dad gay?"

"Kill him! Now!" raged Tim.

"Hell no, Dad's not gay, you twit!" Tom blurted defensively. "Uh…not that there's anything wrong with that." he amended quickly, not sure about which way that camera guy swung.

"Then you're way off base. You snuff me on this film and give it to Dad, you'll be telling him you think he's a gay necrophiliac."

"Oh no…" Tim said, slapping a hand to his chest in stunned realization. "No wonder you were naked in all the video and pictures they sent of you! And doing those…_things_…"

Iruka blanched, extremely embarrassed at the possibilities. What 'things'? _Ugh._

_Hoo, boy. I hope they just pay me so I can leave_, the cameraman sighed.

"Did you know any of this?" Tim demanded.

"Of course not!" Tom squawked defensively.

The cameraman looked pointedly at Iruka and piped in to defend leaving things as they were. "I don't think that's necessarily true. Their thinking is not conventional, but - their thinking is not so far off, either. A good torture and killing in this manner is like extreme reality TV. If they don't get you naked and sex you up this isn't going to be mistaken for smut."

Iruka really wished that guy would go on break or something and shut up.

"Yeah, but do you really want to take that risk?" argued Iruka. "If your Dad thinks you're kinky or something I bet he picks your brother. You actually plan to hang all of your hopes and dreams on one cheesy film?"

"Nice try, Leaf, these guys aren't gonna fall for that. You're just trying to save your…" the cameraman growled.

"But it's our best plan!" wailed Tom.

"Our only plan! We're doomed!" Tim frowned, knuckling his forehead.

"Ninja are never doomed! As long as we draw breath, there's always a way! We all know that, don't we?" Iruka beamed in confident camaraderie. At least, he hoped he did.

There was a brief silence.

"Right?" the chunin encouraged.

"I guess." Tom pouted reluctantly.

"So let's brainstorm - when is your presentation due?"

"Week from Friday." Tim sighed.

"Great! That gives us lots of time to come up with a sure-fire winner! Obviously the two of you have the skills and abilities - we just need to get you a unique angle to show it off from."

"Yes! My skills are legend!" Tim proclaimed, recovering a bit.

"My abilities roust the eagles from their nests in awe and envy!" Tom chimed in, his brother's renewed optimism rubbing off immediately.

"My intelligence confounds the wisest of the sages!" Tim crowed.

I'd guess that one's true, Iruka smirked.

"So what's Dad like? And your brother? Any issues between them? Some weakness or discord we might exploit?"

"Hm. No, we all get along pretty well."

"Well maybe you ought to reconsider my earlier solution. Share."

"No! He's a bastard!" Tim raised a clenched fist.

"Yeah, he never cleans his swords or kunai, he says 'what do I care if they're clean I'm not stabbing myself with them anyway.'" griped Tom in a mocking imitation.

"He likes those kunoichi flicks. Talk about lame." added Tim.

"Hey, that's mean. Those movies are good." Tom said in offense.

"Oh please. All that mushy love junk rots your brain." Tim rolled his eyes in disappointment.

"Ahem. We're not really getting anywhere with this. What's your Mom's take on all of this?" Iruka steered them back to the matters at hand.

"She ran off."

"Yeah, with the tinsmith, seven years ago."

"Hey there you go. Maybe something related to that." Iruka nodded.

"Like having the guy's head mounted on a board?" Tom asked brightly.

"Not bad! Now you're thinking. Whatever you come up with it needs to appeal to your father, not necessarily to you or your brother."

"We should go ahead with this film as a back-up though. And, see, once we hurt you, you have to be dead within 72 hours. It's in the contract. So, you know, we can't just rough you up or something and then just see how it goes. We gotta go all the way." Tim explained patiently.

"I won't be able to help you afterward."

"Guess not. Well, we'll make sure to do you last, then. " Tim looked at Iruka as if waiting for him to be reasonable and agree.

The cameraman groaned. _Let me kill him for you now so I can get the hell out of here. I'll stay in the room, throw the switch and everything_.

But with that, Tim and Tom, Twin Thinkers of Thoughts, had placed the snuffage firmly in the back seat for now. And without knowing what their new course of action would be, they couldn't very well let the cameraman take off…what if they came up with the perfect idea and it got away because they had no way to film it ?

One very regretful cameraman cursed his life, luck, and the Cinema Professionals Union for getting him this job and stranding him in his current situation.

o0o0o0o0o

Kakashi slowly rubbed a bit of salve on his saddle sores and frowned. Iruka sure was taking this 'staying out of sight' thing seriously. He should be there helping with the sores, because the jounin was taking the abuse of wearing new leather in the younger man's stead. And because Kakashi would very much like to see the real Iruka in the scanty costume. Which he had lobbied hard to take with him after the day's filming, only to find no hot dolphin to halter - again!

Factor in the constant lure of visual aids and it added up to one frustrated copy nin, pouting in his room all alone. After a while, he decided to take a more proactive approach.

Stuffing the outfit in his vest, he threw on the henge just in case and slipped into the hallway head for Iruka's hideout, the silhouettes they might cast on the tent walls teasing in his imagination.

But instead, the disappointed jounin spent an unhappy night at the campsite alone, the note wadded and thrown aside in an immature moment. He hoped Iruka got plenty of rest on his little side fishing trip, because when he got back he had some serious sleeping bag duty to take care of. No amount of broiled fish was going to shorten his sack time, either.

He slipped back into the studio grounds before dawn, cursing the need to actually be on time in order to be on time. It didn't seem fair, he came all this way to fix things for Iruka, and now he was doing all of the work and suffering while the chunin had forgotten all about him and had gone fishin'.

Well, he'd just have to lose himself in the work. And actually, when he thought about the work itself, it wasn't such a losing proposition after all.

o0o0o0o0o

Iruka found himself unable to form words. It was slow torture. His dark brown eyes swam and a tear trickled past his scarred cheek.

Tom couldn't stand it any longer. the choking, the gagging - it looked like the chunin was going to suffocate soon. This was so wrong…

Iruka's agonized throat was clenched shut and he reached out as Tom approached. His eyes were pleading, wide and watering.

"Take it!" gasped Tom. "Why, Leaf, why? "

Iruka grabbed and chugged the half-glass of milk noisily, panting when he finished.

"I wasn't expecting it to be so dry! I thought there'd be jelly!" the chunin croaked roughly.

"Never! I never use jelly! You shouldn't have finished all of your drink first!" cried Tom.

Iruka licked a smear of peanut butter from his thumb. "Thank you, though. Other than the choking it was a very good sandwich."

"Hmph. Now I have to finish my cookies without milk," Tom crunched into a chocolate crème-filled cookie, slightly miffed. "Want one?"

Oooh! "Yes, please!" Iruka nibbled on the crunchy, chocolaty goodness, taking a break from thinking. Ideas usually struck him on their own accord, and forcing it with concentrated brainstorming had brought him to a standstill. He needed to get these guys going and soon, before they panicked and reverted to their original plan.

And it would be a bit of a shame if Kakashi came and slaughtered them all outright. They seemed like fairly decent guys overall. Even their contractual agreement for Iruka's life was done legitimately. Suna's contracts had just the right loopholes, ones Konoha had closed up in their written agreements when Tsunade took over as Hokage and had the legal language analyzed by her barrister 'friend' Belleye Marou.

Not that Suna's actions were above reproach. That was another kettle of fish there.

Fish. Water. Resources. Hmm…Iruka's mind poked him.

"Tom. What's the biggest issue for your clan? What causes the most inconvenience in your day-to-day lives?" Iruka began, and proceeded to grill the man as if his life depended on it.

o0o0o00o0o

Two elite Sand nin sat cross-legged in the aggregate, tiny sharp rocks poking their nether regions.

The Sand nin with the red streaks of lightning painted across his face held up three fingers.

The one with the white "X" applied across his nose shook his head in a negative, and made puffy fish lips.

The first nin drew a card from the pile, stifling a yawn. Soon, a centipede zipped up and disappeared in a poof.

They looked at each other, confused at the transferred info. Two days and still, there was no move on the chunin that would have started the 72 hour limit. Now they were in a bit of a spot. They were supposed to jump in with a plan that would rescue the Leaf nin from sure death; but nothing was said about a plan B if the guy was just making friends and eating cookies.

Well, the urgent delivery had been forwarded to the village, so there was no real rush. Sending another spy avatar into the cave, the nins resumed their silent Go Fish game and made slight squirmy movements to reduce their bun pinchage to a minimum on the decomposed shale.

Even further away, a mighty eagle watched over the entire scene, annoyed and yet too curious to move on. With amazingly sharp vision and hearing it rose into the air, scanning below.

_Why that cheater - he did too have a three! _The eagle thought in surprise, lazily circling the card sharks. _Can't trust those darn Sand nin at anything! _

_All this activity - I guess they've finally come up with something. With the display I have planned, it couldn't possibly be much competition. But it doesn't hurt to stay on top of things just in case.._

He lit on a jagged rock and settled in for more surveillance.

O0o0o0o0o0o


	11. Chapter 11

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and if he broke his ankles I would hesitate to euthanize him. No promises though._

Hey, we're doing well, everybody's still alive...so far. Many thanks for your very kind reviews and I will be changing the story's category.

**Chapter 11 ..._Kazekages aren't perfect._**

"Naruto!" Gaara swept forward, robes billowing majestically a la Lawrence of Arabia, and embraced his orange-clad friend with delight.

"Haah, Gaara, you old dirt clod! I mean, oop, sorry, Honorable Kazekage…" Naruto grinned, hugging back enthusiastically before moving away to bow.

Gaara chuckled, waving off the belated formality. "Call me what you will, it's fine…at least when we're alone. Come on, I've been waiting! We can have something to drink, you must be parched. A dinner is being prepared for us to share with Temari. My brother is away on a mission."

"Have you talked to the old perv? I have to meet him sometime today."

"Hmph. Meet him here, Naruto, I'll send for him. You don't want to be hanging around the studios. They're filming an adult film right now."

"Then I really want to go! Wow, think how I can improve my sexy-no-jutsu!" Naruto attempted an eyebrow waggle, but couldn't quite pull off Genma's signature obscene forehead action.

Gaara frowned, suddenly serious. "One day I will close that studio, or at least limit the types of films made there. With any luck, Higaara's days here are numbered. Anyhow, I'm sending a messenger and Jiraiya will join us here for dinner. You don't need to go anywhere. There's no argument."

o0o0o0o0o

"No, no, we actually do well with water. The higher elevations always have snow and we've harnessed the run-off. We actually catch it before it can get to the flatlands and dam it up in a high lake. How do you think we stay so wealthy? We pipe it out and charge Suna for their rationed supply. Really a sweet deal. No labor to speak of, no costs - just pure profit. We have an excellent existence. And our territory is completely secure - you saw what it takes to get up just to here. It's a steeper, higher climb beyond here to get to the main compound." Tom refastened Iruka's new, longer chain to his belt. Iruka had to shake his head at the lack of thinking behind that move, but kept it to himself. Now he followed the somewhat bouncy man down a long hall, and stretched the chain to reach into the restroom.

"Just don't get any funny ideas, or you go back to using the coffee can," Tom warned from outside, leaning against the door to close it as much as it could with the chain in the way. Actually, this was better for both of them. Tom had decided to make the change after the last coffee can run. Apparently peanut butter did not agree with the Leaf guy's delicate digestive system.

The door reopened after some time, stirring Tom from his bored haze.

"Okay, Leaf, where'd we leave off. Oh, yeah, water."

"I have a name. It's…"

"Hold it right there!" Interrupted Tim, approaching from further down the hall. "No names. You're just Leaf. Got it?"

Tom grumbled, and Tim shot him a look.

"And yes, it's because of you! Who was it that couldn't eat eggs after he decided to name the hens? Remember the Miss Cluckers incident? You really think you can off this guy if you get all buddy-buddy and call him by name?" Tim tapped an angry toe. Tom considered.

"I dunno." Tom looked like he honestly didn't know.

"Well I do know, and there'll be no more of that friendly talk.. So what brilliant ideas have you come up with, Leaf? Or do we just get on with the filming?"

"Maybe I need more information. Tell me about your father. He sounds like a very smart man." Iruka wheedled gently, trying very hard not to jar Tim's last nerve.

"He's the smartest! And very fair. Well, you see how he didn't just hand over everything to Tell, even though he's the oldest. He's giving us a chance. That so rocks." Tom checked the chain as he led them into a room with a couch and chairs, motioning for Iruka to sit.

"So maybe I've already given you the answer. Offer to share with your brother. It would make sense to your father. And…"

"I already told you, Tell won't do it! He'll refuse! He'll throw a fit!" Tim scowled.

"Exactly. He throws a fit and refuses. You guys, on the other hand, are looking cool. Mature. Logical. Fair. Sensible. And your brother, what, he throws a fit or whatever…he's looking bad. Not good bad, but bad as in childish and lacking in leadership. So you win. Your brother can't win if you do this. The worst thing you could end up with is a draw. Either he gives in and shares or he shoots himself in the foot and loses. What do you think? It could work!"

"I think it's growing on me," Tom mused. "I think you're on to something.

"It's crap," Tim snapped. "It'll never work."

"Spoken like the man who thought up the stupid film. I suppose you think the amateur gay murder porn is still a better shot." Tom sniped.

"You were in on that, too! Stop blaming me! Besides, if you think this is such a swell idea, you should be thanking me! Leaf wouldn't even be here to come up with this idea if it wasn't for me!" Tim's face was growing redder by the minute as their exchange degenerated into a staring contest. The silent tension grew between the angry siblings.

In the intense concentration of the silence, the chunin took his chance. "Iruka. Umino Iruka. You can call me Ru for short. All my friends do eventually."

Tim snarled and Tom smiled.

"Ru. You don't look like a Ru. More like a Ty. Yeah, I thought your name would be Ty." Tom held out a hand to shake but Tim grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"We're still killing him, damn it! Call him anything you want, we're still killing him."

"You're so hot for that all of a sudden. Maybe we need to rethink this kingdom sharing. I don't want to share it with some kinko!" blurted Tom, rubbing his wrist because if Tim had gripped it tighter, it might have hurt. He didn't, and it didn't, but the idea was still there. So he rubbed his wrist indignantly.

"You idiot. Can't you see how this guy is manipulating you? He just wants to live!" Tim protested.

"Well that's a scathing indictment," Iruka said drolly. "Wanting to live. The very thought."

Tom gudged Ru in the ribs with a discreet elbow to shut him up.

o0o0o0o0o

"Naruto, this will be like a reunion for you! Both of your old sensei are here!" Jiraiya laughed.

Gaara froze. He held his breath as the words hit him like a blow.

"What do you mean, old perv? Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei are here? Where? Why?" Naruto's big blue eyes were puzzled, but slowly widening with excitement.

"Kakashi's here, I suppose, just because Umino's here. But Iruka's working on the movie with me!"

"You're kidding, right? Iruka-sensei wouldn't even watch one of your creepy movies. I know him better than that!" the kit scoffed.

Gaara's sinking feeling increased. "Who is Iruka-sensei, Naruto?" he asked lightly, concealing his dread.

"He's the person I told you about, Gaara, the first person who acknowledged me and taught me how to belong! He's awesome, wait until you meet him! I know you'll love him, too! Everybody does!" Naruto's grin was huge and his affection for Iruka radiated from every pore.

"Aha," smiled Gaara wanly. "Excuse me for a moment, won't you?"

Gaara strode purposefully down the hall and ducked into the first empty room he saw, slamming the door behind him. He had to think, damn it, but it was too late. It had already been over four full days and the accursed contract said 72 hours. The men he'd sent to watch over Iruka had never returned - another loss for Suna.

The man was already as good as dead. If the Sand nin had retrieved him in time, they would have been back by now.

Naruto's precious person. Of all people…of all things. He knew it was a risky, underhanded thing to do, the only thing more terrible would have been the results had he NOT done it.

The Kazekage's hands hung limp and he shook his head, devastated. It was only momentary, but for once he was at a loss. He had no idea what would be the right thing to do at this point.

He gathered himself up slowly and took a deep breath. He would go rejoin Naruto and Jiraiya, be in their company. He supposed that he would have to explain this at some point soon, and that it would likely be the end of his special friendship with Naruto. A few more moments together before it all fell apart would be painful, but deeply regretted if he didn't seize the opportunity now. The amount of heartache this would cause his friend was just beginning to sink in.

If he hadn't made up his mind before, it was certainly made up now. Higaara had lived out his usefulness and needed to be eliminated; perhaps, if done timely, it would help to balance the scales.

o0o0o0o0o0o

"I'll send for him," said Gaara, walking into the still-ongoing debate about whether Iruka indeed had a part in 'that kind' of movie. "You can ask him yourself."

Having bought himself a bit of time, Gaara settled cross-legged on the daytime tatami mats, joining the lightly feuding pair. The pomegranate juice flowed and peace settled among them, Jiraiya discussing his plans for Naruto's next phase of training.

A medic-nin entered and bowed, respectfully waiting. Gaara beckoned him closer, motioning for him to continue quietly. "Yes?"

"Honorable Kazekage, I beg forgiveness for the interruption, I have the update you requested," the med-nin spoke barely above a whisper, unheard by the chatting guests. "I must report that the shipment has proven to be effective without exception. The adult wards will be empty by tomorrow. The last infant went home already. Three full cases of the shipment were unused and are being secured in the stronghold. The villagers are sending tokens of their gratitude by the armload."

Gaara nodded, a tired smile that didn't quite reach his eyes shifting his look. "Excellent, Sondai. Thank you for your diligence. Please tell the medical staff to help themselves to any treats the villagers have graced us with."

As the meal began to appear, Naruto was getting antsy, neither Kakashi nor Iruka had made an appearance.

"Something's wrong!" Naruto pounded a strong fist into his palm for emphasis. "If Iruka-sensei knew I was here he'd be here already! He'd come straight over!"

"Ah, Naruto, give him a break. Maybe he didn't come because he's embarrassed by what he's doing." Jiraiya said, shaking his head.

"You're trying to tell me that Iruka-sensei will be _uncomfortable_ talking to me, because he's _comfortable _being in a porno? And you think you don't sound crazy?" Naruto snorted, shaking his head.

"Ah, well, gentlemen. Let's have a nice meal, there's plenty here, and we'll freshen it for them when they arrive." Gaara watched as Jiraiya dug in and Naruto picked in fits and starts, a bit sullen, watching the entryway.

It felt like a last meal. Gaara couldn't quite bring himself to sample any of it.

And when Kakashi-sensei arrived, the atmosphere became decidedly strange.

"Hey, Sasquatch, whatcha camping out in the woods for? You have a fight with Iruka-sensei?" harassed Naruto.

Kakashi grimaced smile-style to be polite, bearing it barely. "No, Naruto, no fight. Iruka-sensei is very busy with his acting in a major motion picture."

Naruto sputtered, strawberry sauce flying from his lips. "Hah! You guys are up to something! Because I know there's no way Iruka-sensei is doin' porno-anything! You're lucky he even lets you molest him for true love, you old horn-dog!" A hint of protective threat crept into Naruto's voice.

Bad, this is bad, Gaara groaned inwardly. That Umino guy couldn't be much more beloved if he were Naruto's mother, father, brother and fiancée all rolled into one.

Time to man up and tell the truth. To take responsibility for what has come to pass.

"Naruto, may I have a word with you?" Gaara sighed. "If you will all excuse us." He took Naruto by the arm that was not brandishing a jam-loaded croissant and led him down the hallway.

The jounin and sannin scarfed the banquet comfortably until the male scream from down the hallway shot them to their feet.

The door was literally ripped off of its hinges. Gaara stood like a statute and Naruto raged dangerously near the Kazekage.

"Whatever it is, Naruto, knock it off!" Kakashi snapped, grabbing his elbow. The kid seemed to be ready to touch off a full scale village vs. village war.

"Tell them," the blond choked in anger and despair. "Tell them! I can't."

"Naruto's sensei, your chunin friend," Gaara started grimly. "He volunteered for reassignment. To another movie in the Cliffs region."

Kakashi and Jiraiya both looked confused.

"The movie documents an actual death on film. The contractual agreement was for the provided actor to be killed in no more than 72 hours. The intent of the time limit was to mitigate the possibility of endless torture and healing prior to death. Unfortunately, that time is up." Gaara shook his head.

The temperature in the room dropped instantly as Kakashi absorbed the full impact of those words, staring with the intensity of a laser.

"Higaara got him to agree to this, but this is fully my responsibility. It was the only way we could secure cures sufficient to save my people. I had no idea this was your precious person, Naruto. And yet, given the end result, I suppose I would have…would do it again."

"He agreed to this?" Kakashi's visible eye narrowed dangerously. "What, to save your people?"

"He's been right here, he was filming today. This doesn't make any sen…" Jiraiya objected.

"No, it wasn't Iruka, it was me. Just…I'll explain later. It's not important right now. He's right, Iruka's probably been gone for about four days now." Kakashi held up a hand to ask for the stunned sage to be quiet.

Gaara produced the signed contract. "It is his mark. This contract has not been altered, and it is valid. But to be honest, I wouldn't say that he went entirely without duress. "

"Why him? Why didn't one of your ninjas volunteer, if this was so acceptable to you?" Kakashi demanded, his voice laced with suspicion.

"We sent dozens of Sand nin profiles to these clients. When we got rejections they had feedback about what was good or bad about the candidates. Your Umino fit the bill, or rather, had none of the specifics they objected to in the others. They accepted him right off when we sent his profile. You know, I wouldn't have considered a Leaf citizen, but your own Hokage brought some of this on you. We could have negotiated for the cures from Konoha. But when she found out how desperate we were for the medicines, Tsunade tripled the price and demanded payment up front! This while my citizens were dying, everyone from ninjas to infants…so it didn't seem so much like a sin to take a Leaf chunin. And we did pay for him, three times the going rate. She only added a _ten percent _mortality penalty. And still that was an insignificant amount compared to the price she set on the curatives. Put yourself in my place, Naruto. As Hokage, what would you do? Enter into this unsavory but legal deal and save your people? Attack and try to take the cure with only a handful of shinobi left able to travel, much less fight? Give up and let everyone in your village die?"

"Why would Granny do that?" spat Naruto. "She wouldn't want your people to die."

"She believes the legend of the treasure of Suna. There is no treasure, no gold fountain under the sand, but that legend has been hard to kill. With the right leverage she thinks she'll have it for Konoha. But all she was going to secure was the death of my people. And what we truly do have of value in Suna is a reputation. One we'd like to extinguish, but one that fit our needs this time. The reputation that we can secure things for you that cannot be had, do things for you that cannot be done, make things happen that no proper village would take part in. It caused the Cliff clients to seek us out. And ironically, they secured their deal to purchase a quantity of the cures from Konoha before my negotiations with Tsunade - I made a very serious attempt to do this through normal channels instead. In the end I got the very same commodity from the very same supplier through a middleman, for a far lower price. One Leaf chunin in trade for the medicine and enough cash to offset the man's fee and mortality payment.. We basically got the medication for free."

"He would have told me he was leaving if he wasn't forced," Kakashi loomed close and the guards that had materialized at all the commotion stepped up protectively.

"He was not forced to go, but he was forced to conceal his activity from you. He was under a control jutsu that he allowed to be applied to him. He was under Higaara's control, who was under mine."

Kakashi shook his head, hands itching for a throat to rip open. "Allowed? What kind of…"

"Just stop it! I don't need to waste time hearing this now. I want to know where these guys are and I want to know now." Naruto cracked his knuckles and stared red-eyed at Gaara. "Hell with them. You got your people cured, it's not like they can reverse that. I want them and I want to make sure no one ever sees that damn film. And I want him back. I'm not leaving his body with them."

Gaara nodded. It was a bad faith move, considering the agreement was legitimate - but just because he had a binding agreement, it didn't mean he had to support their activity afterward. It didn't mean Suna supported death as entertainment in the modern age. Those days were in the past. Pretty much.

"My men will take you, I'll send for them immediately. You have my deepest regrets and sympathy. I don't expect your forgiveness. I put Suna first, before my friendship with you and all of Leaf, and I always will. As one day you will as Hokage. Perhaps once you've held that position for a time, you will see the sense of my actions and we can once again have an understanding."

"Don't count on it," seethed Naruto, ignoring his own bitter tears. " I want to go, now!"

"As you wish." Gaara left to summon the escort, moving wisely with a wide berth as he passed the Leaf ninjas to prevent any impulsive action they might make in their shocked state. There was already more than enough Leaf bloodshed to regret as it was.

x


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto nor his many smells.

_Reviewers are the most honorable creatures on earth! And reviewers who wade through this mess are brave and selfless and noble as well. May the Good Karma sprinkler nail you in the shorts like a Rain-Bird! _

**Chapter 12 **

"You don't know how lucky you are that you're the Kazekage right now," Kakashi said, a crazed, menacing edge creeping into his voice

"If you were to see it from my point of view, that statement would be somewhat debatable." Gaara's eyes reflected the heavy balance of responsibility, tragedy and regret. Done over, he would have made the same decision. He had saved the lives of so many of his children, his ninjas, his loyal citizens. They deserved to be first in the eyes of their Kazekage. If it meant a personal loss, a deliberate betrayal and eternal guilt, then that was a price he would selflessly pay.

There was no real point in trying to assuage their anger by telling them of the plan to slip the chunin a jutsu-activated pill to simulate his death and have the Sand nins whisk him away afterward for revival and healing. The risk of losing him was still substantial, and the experience would no doubt have been a terrible one for any man to bear even if he had been saved. And in the long run it appeared that the somewhat inept-sounding clients had been formidable after all, not only doing in the chunin but eliminating his guardian jounin-level nins as well. That part of the gamble had been lost.

o0o0o0o0o0o

"Screeee!" cried the eagle, splattering the cave entrance with droppings. Weren't they ever coming out? What on earth could they do in a cave dwelling that would be impressive enough to win over the old man? And why were those desert nins still loitering in the area?

The Sand nin had taken to handstand endurance contests, anything to get their blood flowing after so much waiting. Still the tiny avatars came back with what sounded like the warning signs of a polite social visit, although they did report that the man was still in chains. Finally, one of the nins decided they should send their lone messenger bird back to the Kazekage, to explain their delay, and to ask if they should continue to hang around or what.

And in the cave the debate raged on. Tom was now convinced of Ru's clever plan. Tim furiously opposed it, determined that Leaf would go though with his contract.

None of them noticed, in their power struggle, the disappearance of one man.

An eagle and two nin, delighted that there was finally something happening, watched breathlessly as a dark-eyed man in a cap toting a few pieces of equipment and a small payment sack appeared. He slipped quickly out of the cave and slid down the incline as if pursued by demons.

The man laughed maniacally once he felt he was out of range, muttering unflattering words and jingling the payment sack he'd liberated from the stupid twins' desk drawer. I did my job, he'd decided. Enough was enough. Either they'd use the stuff he'd set up or not, he really didn't care. There came a point when his sanity was far too valuable to risk any further.

He trudged away happily, noting that bad times really did make you appreciate life when you got out from under them. He picked up the pace, heading in the direction of Suna, already thinking ahead to submitting his resume at KazeMotion and seeing if they had any openings for cameramen. Or, better yet, for someone with his proven Foley experience. He did have a natural talent for producing realistic sound effects, and since he did the work during editing, he'd be dealing with very few people. And right now, dealing with people didn't appeal to him at all.

The ninjas shadowed him for a while before turning back, no real reason to watch him, but it was something to do.

The one with the "X" on his nose half-heartedly slung a rock at an eagle that was cruising past as they made their way back to the cave. A guilty giggle burst from his lips as the rock nailed it square in the tail section, making it swing wide with an angry 'screeeeee!' before disappearing into the higher outcroppings.

"Delinquent," said the red-streaked nin critically, barely keeping a straight face. "Race you back!"

They ran slipping and shoving, tripping and jerking one other back to try and win the race by any and all means necessary.

"Asswipes," grumbled the eagle, watching them slide for home in a dead heat and twitching his sore vent feathers.

0o0o0o0

"Wait!" Gaara called, standing at the Suna gateway. "There's been word. I have information."

Naruto stared at Kakashi, both willing the other one to go back and hear what the bastard had to say now.

Impatient with their reluctance, Gaara called out again, this time as an order. "Now, both of you! Come here."

They turned and walked back, bitter angry looks on their faces.

"There's been a message. My men are still there, and no harm has come to Iruka yet. Relations between your sensei and the clients have apparently become somewhat friendly."

"Your men? You didn't say anything about your men being there…" Naruto eyed Gaara hopefully, his sudden relief at the news dissolving his dark rage.

"Look, I thought they'd been lost. I sent men to try and extract him but I didn't see any point in mentioning it when it was apparent that it had failed. Gladly, it seems I'm mistaken. If you wish, I'll send word and have my men try to get him out now. I'll work the contractual implications out later. "

"No, we should go, and quickly," Kakashi said firmly. "I don't want to risk them screwing this up. These clients of yours took Iruka to kill him. Just because he's distracting them somehow doesn't mean they'll let him go without hurting him." Kakashi did not want to think about the possible ways his thankfully alive and very resourceful chunin might have enticed his captors into delaying his murder with a 'friendly' relationship.

"I should have known Iruka-sensei is too smart for some slimeballs to use him like that," Naruto said, worried but proud. "I don't know how he got mixed up in all this, but I bet your damn dirty books had something to do with it."

Kakashi chose to ignore that last remark.

They set out moving swiftly, the escort Sand nin feeling the pressure to set the fastest pace possible. The group fell silent and covered ground with remarkable speed.

The returning messenger bird was barely able to pass them until it went high and picked up on favorable air flow. It streaked through the air in annoyance, wondering what good it would do to get a message there just a few minutes before the arrival of the subject matter.

o0o0o0o0o0o

"But where is he?" pouted Lizzy, dragging her whip mournfully behind her and tugging on Jiraiya's white robes.

"Sweet thing," Jiraiya said with sympathetic sadness. "He's been called away. I don't know if he'll be coming back."

"Called away? He can't! I want him. Get him for me. You said you'd get me anything!" she was pleading, giving him just the right angle from his greater height to have a very pleasing view. She dropped the whip in defeat. "I thought we were close."

She gave him the really big dark eyes and the really, really wet, full, pouting lower lip. And a dizzying view of her chest-swelling sighs.

"Lizzy," the sage rumbled, calling on his self-control. "We're working. And so is he. He's a ninja, and he had to go on a mission. I don't think we'll see him here again."

"A ninja!" she said breathlessly, her hands fluttering into her tattered top to press on her shapely breasts. "Oh, be still my heart! He's a ninja, too?"

Not wanting to be rude and point out that her heart was not specifically located in the items she was stilling, Jiraiya gave her a comforting pat on the back. "Try to be brave."

"What are we being brave about today?" asked the buxom blonde with a pearly smile as she approached.

"Iruka's gone," gloomed Lizzy.

"What? What?" the blonde cried. "It can't be! I was all ready to make him feel special today! So very special!"

"And he's a ninja. And he's not coming back!" Lizzy began to cry, mascara starting a trail down her flawless cheek.

"No, Lizzy, honey, don't cry. It's okay, we'll have another…"

"Not coming back? And he's a _ninja_, are you sure? That's so unfair! Get him back, you have to!" Long nails dug into the sannin's forearm and under any other circumstances would have given him inspiration galore. Then the waterworks started on the blonde as well.

"Ladies, ladies, let's get a grip. I'm as unhappy as you are, but we have a job to do. We…oh, hell with it. Let's just forget it for today. This is too hard."

The two women pulled back, startled at his seriousness. "When you say not coming back…do you mean something happened to him?"

"I don't mean anything. Just take the day off, okay? Be back here tomorrow first thing." Jiraiya turned and stopped. Higaara stood looking up at him, his blue eyes unreadable.

"Calling off a whole day's filming?" he asked edgily.

"Look, don't get in my face with this. You least of all," the sannin warned.

"Your friend is fine. Word came that he's somehow been spared. That strange jounin and Naruto went to go retrieve him. He'll be back in front of the camera in no time, so don't be upsetting the actresses for no reason."

"He'll be back?" the blonde smiled, tears forgotten.

"And he's a ninja," Lizzy growled happily. "You know how they are. He's been holding out on us!"

"Oh, yeah, nins and their chakra. Ay-yi-yi! We know first hand, don't we Lizzy?" leered the blonde, nodding toward a lightly blushing screenwriter.

"Hey, hey, hey - leave me out of this," Jiraiya protested, but he was unable to hide his relieved smile. So the little chunin was alive after all.

"But not really," Lizzy breathed, casting her dark eyes from one man to the other. "You don't really want us to leave you out of this. We might need practice. Ninja practice. How about a doubles match?"

Higaara held two palms up dismissively. "Count me out. But if you're all so lively all of a sudden, I don't see any reason to call off a whole day's shooting. Work around him, you shot his main scenes already."

Jiraiya's smile faded as he stared hard at the redhead and nodded. He thought he knew the man, at least somewhat. Now all he really knew was that he hadn't know him at all. Acting wasn't the man's first and foremost passion - loyalty to his village was, and he had proven there was nothing he would stop at to serve and protect. Jiraiya could certainly understand that. But what more there might be to him was hard to say. Apparently, his acting extended to the roles of director and friend as well, and the sage had only seen what was intended to be seen.

"Yeah. You're right. Ladies, back to esthetics, please. You've spoiled your makeup." He turned and faced Higaara again. "But I see that your mask is perfect, as always."

Higaara's eyes cast down before he caught himself. "Haven't we had enough drama on this side of the camera for one day?" he asked mildly, turning to break off the conversation.

"No one has to wonder if you're acting. Because you are, aren't you? Always acting. That's why your erotic scenes are so convincing. You can fake it so well because that's your reality. There is no real Higaara."

"Perceptive of you. Perhaps I don't exist at all. Don't waste valuable production time worrying about it. It's none of your business, let's just do our jobs and be done with it. I think this will be our last joint professional venture." Higaara's eyes were distant and evaded direct contact.

"My thoughts exactly. Let's do this right, because we aren't doing this again. I thought we had a partnership, and I thought we were friends as well. Imagine how foolish I feel at this point."

"_Thought _we were friends." the redhead said with a bitter laugh. "I've enjoyed your company, and we've shared meals and ideas and women and accomplishments. You've got the friendship bar up there pretty high if you think we aren't friends at all. But if that's how you feel, then forget it. A dozen weeks and that's it. We're ahead of schedule and if you want to move on, it suits me fine."

He slid his robe off, revealing his own body done in shimmering body paint. The only suggestion of clothing was a haphazard banding of distressed black satin toga circling his ivory hips, upper thighs and lower torso. Tight here, loose there, it artfully emphasized his endowment, accented his masculine, solid, slightly barrel-chested upper body and sturdy, muscular thighs and ass. Built wide and solid instead of curvy and carefully defined like the AWOL chunin, he presence was a brick wall of flagrantly masculine power and dominance. "Cute" would not come to mind at this carefully prepared presentation.

His porn-star image had been a useful tool for many things, as had his ability for playing parts with great believability. He now acted as if things were just fine and nothing mattered but the work at hand. He knew it was in fact a good thing that the friendship with the sage was broken prematurely. It didn't lessen the icy twisting of sorrow in his heart at losing a dear friend. But it was for the best for the older man, and was going to be necessary very soon anyway.

He was as outrageously hot as he had been before, but the effect was somewhat spoiled for Jiraiya. He was purely professional as he licked a thumb and erased a stray smudge of body paint from the redhead's bared throat. They both ignored the familiar, warm energy that contact surged between them and moved on with deliberate silence to finish setting up Higaara's scene and wait for the return of the two women.

o0o0o0o0o

"You win, and we're going to lose. Lose, lose, lose. And when we do, and when you're whining and I'm giving that jerk his pedicures, my only consolation was going to be that film. Now, I don't know if we can even do that! We never should have changed the plan, he was in the Union! You can't just make a decision and change things around with a Union jobber, there's a contract, there's rules, you have to negotiate everything! Are you even listening to me? How could you just let him walk away like that? Why did you leave the desk unlocked?" Tim raged, slamming a hand on the tea cart. The cups and pot rattled nervously with the impact, hot Formosa Oolong slopping wastefully over the porcelain rims.

"You worry too much," Tom needled. "Stop making a mess. Sugar?" he asked, passing a dripping cup to Iruka.

"No thanks, this is fine." He sipped hopefully, on the verge of relief. The cameraman was gone, if he could just throw a monkey wrench into the camera setup the man left and make it look like technical difficulties, he was home free. No way could these guys fix it, and they weren't the type to kill just for the fun of it.

"Somebody has to worry. Somebody has to think. Somebody has to grow the fuck up!"

"Hey, watch that mouth. I am grown up, I'm more grown up than you. This is an intellectual plan, It's way more mature than anything you came up with. Being an overbearing jerk doesn't equal maturity. If it did, we'd be losing to Tell anyway." Tom said haughtily.

"Bite me."

"Thank you, Mr. Maturity. Come on, Tim, you need to calm down."

The door slammed and vibrated long after it closed from the excessive force.

"You know, he's not normally like this," Tom said sadly. "These family things get to him, you know? He was Mom's favorite. It really killed him when she just upped and left just to go fool around. She never even said goodbye to him. She just left his broken piggy bank right on the floor where she smashed it to swipe his savings. He cut up the soles of his feet on the shards when he got up that morning, that's how we first realized something was wrong. I think I sort of always knew she wasn't really there for us; and I know she and Tell never got along. It was a lot harder for Tim, he felt like he was the biggest loser when she left. He doesn't want to be the biggest loser at anything again, no matter what the cost. He'd never have come up with that snuff idea otherwise."

"I really do think my plan will work, Tom. I don't want to die, but I'm not lying when I say this is a better plan." Iruka said earnestly, sipping more tea and starting to think about requesting a trip to the little ninja's room.

"Ru, you're a good person. I don't think we should kill you. We really never wanted to do this snuff thing. We've been procrastinating for months, making up excuses to reject all of the candidates the Sand kept suggesting. But when we still didn't have a better plan, and our time for filming was running out, they sent one more profile, and there you were. And wow, there you were! What the hell, are you some kind of stripper or something? Is that sex thing some jutsu specialty with you Leaf cats or what?"

Iruka reddened thoroughly. "Oh no, that's not a Leaf thing. Not my normal thing. This has been the strangest set of circumstances I think I've ever been in. And that's really saying something - believe me!"

"Huh. Well, you're missing your calling! You look like some kind of professional something or other in those profile clips. You have a kind of presence in them. Not that I like guys, but I you sort of project yourself, you seem larger than life in them. You would have been really good for our film. There wouldn't have been a dry eye in the house."

"What now, though?" the chunin asked softly. "If you don't make the film, is my mission over? I obviously didn't have time to read the actual contract."

"The contract has an open-ended nature. We bought your death, but it also loosely assigns the rest of your life to us. It was meant just for the time it took to finish you off…but the wording isn't specific. I suppose we could just keep you until you die from whatever reasons - old age, accident, disease…you'd like it up at the main house. The castle compound is awesome, wait until you see it."

"But you could choose to release me. You could let me go back to my friends and my own village. That way there wouldn't be any trouble."

"Trouble? What trouble?"

"I have a close friend who will come to find me if he finds out what's happened. He's trouble for anyone that he wants to be trouble for. Big trouble."

"That's a funny word when you say it over and over. Trouble trouble trouble trouble trouble." Tom looked down at his own lips, cross-eyed.

_Not a funny word the way my Kashi will apply it_, thought Iruka worriedly. _And_ _I have a 'funny' feeling that it won't be much longer before he figures out where I am. _A tug at his chain brought him back to reality.

"Come on, let's make a rest room run. I know how you get when you drink tea." Tom smiled and opened the door, leading him out like a pet. "You won't have to wear restraints once we're in the compound. You'll really like it once you get used to it there. There's so much to do, and the view is indescribable. You'd be a great asset, I can think of a dozen jobs you'd probably enjoy doing already!"

They jingled affably down the hallway, Tom talking a mile a minute as his captive audience followed in rapidly dwindling patience.

x


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto. And he and I cannot agree on the correct way to say "culinary", even when we point righteously to our conflicting dictionaries…("It's "kyu" like cucumber, I swear!" "It's "cull", like cultivate, believe it!"). So, really, it's just as well.

_Hail to the wise and mighty reviewers, who hold the fate of all authors in your discerning hands. (And have I mentioned that you could have a lucrative career as a hand model with such amazing, lovely digits?) OK, enough shameless pandering – on with the show!_

**Chapter 13- **_**A transformation, a clash, and a reunion or two.**_

Handstands, Go Fish and the charades version of Truth or Dare can only sustain two elite ninja for so long. When the messenger bird arrived he was snagged roughly and nearly plucked for stew before he nailed the ninja in the midst of the white "X" with an indignant jab of beak and got his attention.

_Look at the note, you freak_, thought the bird angrily, sticking out an obviously message-laden leg.

The X nin freed the tiny scroll and released the ruffled bird. He read quickly and handed it off to his partner, leaping up and scanning in the direction of Suna. Nothing to see yet, but soon.

The eagle watched silently. From his much higher vantage point, he had spotted the high-tailing messenger bird and the approaching quartet some time ago. Two sand nin and some sort of performers he supposed, due to the orange clothing on one, and the mask and eye covering – not to mention that hair (!) – on the other. They were moving with a speed and singularity of intent that worried the majestic bird. They looked like they were coming with something serious in mind. When he saw them pause to do a weapons check, that settled it. These guys were up to no good.

The eagle bounced up and swooped into the air, gliding down swiftly until he gained the cave entrance. His smaller-than-human size and airborne approach allowed him to flit in safely between the knee and ankle-high traps and the head and heart level chakra trip wires. Once inside he lit silently and released the transformation jutsu, rolling his broad shoulders in relief at being himself again. This sure was handy since he'd finally perfected the knack of ending up with all his clothes still on.

He moved quickly down the entry hall, listening and lurking alertly. Their security was far too lax, they had allowed themselves to grow too complacent with their remote location. One hand on his favorite sword, he edged around a corner, then moved quickly to a new concealed spot and listened again. Voices. Tom, perhaps. And an unfamiliar voice. Must be the man they brought here earlier in the week, still here as observed.

Swift and graceful despite his 6 foot 4 inch height, the dark-haired man slipped close to the doorway and grinned to himself as he knocked boldly. His smile grew broader still at the startled face that looked him dead in the collarbone then tipped reluctantly back to meet his eyes.

"Tell!" gasped Tom, tugging on the chain. Iruka stood uncertainly.

"Hey, lil' bro," the deep, smooth voice said warmly. "You should get Tim. Looks like you guys are in for some unwelcome company."

_Uh-oh_, Iruka thought. _I warned 'em._ He sent out a feeler and got nothing. Even worse. If Kakashi was nearby, his chakra was totally cloaked; or as Kakashi himself called it, in assassin mode.

And Kakashi was not an 'ask questions first' sort of ninja.

Iruka raised a hand. "Is there an unusual looking person approaching?"

Tell looked at Tom, who nodded approval of the disclosure before trying to leave to get Tim.

"Yes, there is." Tell said, eying the interesting stranger closely.

Iruka flew forward as Tom, in his flustered state, reached the end of the forgotten chain's length with an unexpected jolt.

Tell caught the chunin easily, preventing a sure faceplant. The tall ninja shook his head apologetically as he steadied and released the mysterious captive, walking out to give Tom a pained look. "Tim!" his voice boomed loudly, echoing in every corner of the dwelling.

Tom wiggled at the offending chain as his captive stuck his head through the doorway to look at him uncertainly. He tried to compose some sort of excuse that would make himself look less stupid for that last act.

No luck.

At least a distraction in the form of Tim appeared, and now they all stood uncomfortably in the hallway.

"Tell!" Tim blurted obviously.

"You're following this so far, right?" Tell smiled patiently at Iruka.

"So you're Tell," Iruka concluded, nodding.

"Yes. So fill me in on this 'unusual person'."

Tim and Tom were lost with that request. Two shaggy brown heads of hair tipped sideways in confusion. They gaped as Iruka replied.

"You seriously don't want to tangle with him." Iruka said.

"The masked guy, or the one in the orange pants?" Tell's eyebrows raised at the look on the chunin's face and his dark eyes twinkled with interest.

"Either," said Iruka, taken aback. With Naruto here, this could be very serious, indeed. "Look, let me talk to them. I can defuse this right away. You really don't want this kind of trouble."

Tell laughed softly. "They're the ones in trouble." He touched his sword. "No one puts a finger on my brothers. Not if they intend to live."

The twins blushed in a rush of mixed emotions.

"This doesn't have to be a fight. I'm sure they just don't want you to kill me." explained Iruka.

"Kill you? That's silly, who's going to…" and the look Tell caught in his brothers' eyes stopped him.

Tim glared and Tom studied the floor.

"Explain. Now." Tell ordered. "Were you going to kill this man?"

"No!" protested Tom.

"Yes!" barked Tim simultaneously.

"What did he do to you? Hurt you? Steal something? What?"

"He didn't do anything. We paid for him." Tom mumbled.

"Is this true?" hissed Tell, not at all amused any more. The idiots were going to off a Leaf ninja, if the man's clothing and protector were any indication. If he were a Sand nin, that would be fine. But a citizen of Konoha? No way.

Tom was through talking. Tim nodded, still miffed.

"Then don't worry, " Tell said. "This will all be over in a minute." He drew his sword and Iruka threw up his hands defensively.

"Wait, this is all wrong!" Tim shouted. Tell would get credit for the kill. The film would never be made. The Leaf guy didn't deserve to be slaughtered for nothing!

"NO!" yelled Tom, leaping forward.

"Will you two shut the hell up?!" Tell demanded, shoving them both back easily with his unarmed arm. One swift slash of the sword neatly and with unbelievable accuracy split the cuffs from the cowering chunin's wrists. They fell to the floor with a cheap _ching! _of lightweight metal. "You couldn't have gotten out of that?" he asked Iruka incredulously in sotto voce, leaning close.

"Well, yeah, I could have, but…"

"Never mind. Now. Tim. Tom. You have two minutes to convince me that I should let you keep him. Otherwise I'm letting him go."

"He's part of our plan for the competition. This is cheating, it's sabotage! How dare you!" snarled Tim.

"He's mine, I'm gonna keep him. He wants to come live with us at the main house. You can't seriously be wanting to let him go! He cost a mere fortune!" Tom wailed, capturing Iruka's hand in both of his.

Iruka looked at Tom, then at Tell, then at Tim, then at Tell.

How could he break it to them that Tell was clearly the right man for the job of clan leader?

Better yet, he opted to just stay out of it.

"No, you're not going to kill him, and you're not going to keep him. We're going to let him know that you like him very much," Tell eyed Tom curiously; _huh - I never knew he liked guys before_. "and let him know he's welcome in our homes anytime, be it for a day or a lifetime. And that we'd like very much for him to at least visit us someday. And then we're going to set him free."

Iruka nodded enthusiastically, looking up at Tell's expressive face, gratefully admiring the lively intelligent eyes peering from the profusion of precisely layered dark hair. He exuded confidence and a capable, trustworthy manner. He was just…wow. Classic hero type, the chunin sighed.

"I'm going to walk him out. Come with me and when I give the signal, disable your traps and wires." He wrapped a long, muscular arm down around Iruka's shoulders and they followed the twins' reluctant progress down the hall.

"Do you have any personal effects we need to gather up for you first?" Tell asked softly in his ear. Iruka shivered involuntarily in an inappropriately good way.

"No, nothing." Was that the sheath of the sword bumping his hip, or was Tell just happy to see him? Iruka dare not wonder so close to reuniting with Kakashi.

"Hey, wait…well…is there any chance I could get something back? There were these pictures of me, you see, and a video I guess…kind of embarrassing stuff…if you could just…" Iruka began.

"Really? Hmm…I'm sorry, I wouldn't know where to find them. No time for that now, I'm afraid," Tell said placatingly, mind already jumping ahead to acquiring those items for his personal collection if they were the sort of thing he just got the impression they were. Something unexpected to add to his "Hot Ninjas in Action" collection. Yow! Too bad he hadn't jumped in sooner, the cute little chunin was very attractive. So fine from every angle, darn - there went a golden opportunity to live out his "I'll bathe the prisoner" fantasy. For a split-second, he toyed with the idea of saying they should clean him up before they gave him back.

Nah, too obvious, and far too little time to do it right.

Not being held responsible for his thoughts, he delivered the man in apparent pureness and selfless nobility to the opening filled with blinding sunlight. There was no one to be seen, of course, since those approaching were indeed ninja.

"Call your friends," Tell instructed. "Hurry, I don't want them trying to blast their way in."

"Kakashi!" yelled Iruka in his best 'recess in over' shout. "Naruto!" His voiced echoed in the barren landscape.

"Too bad you aren't staying, you could come up to the big house and we could watch "Sleepless in Suna" and "My Fair Kunoichi". It's video night." Tell hummed as his eyes darted from the landscape to the brunette and back again, waiting patiently.

"Oh, those are pretty good movies. I haven't seen them in forever." Iruka said agreeably.

Tom nodded and Tim gagged silently.

_Sigh. You would have really enjoyed them after I'd gotten you all cleaned up, you dirty boy_, thought Tell with an innocent smile. Iruka smiled back, then cupped his palm to the side of his mouth and turned to bellow once more. "Kakashi!"

Iruka was a single human being, standing in the opening with a shout still on his lips, when suddenly he was two people nearly glued together a dozen yards away on the ledge, far out of reach from the entrance.

"Gotcha!" grinned Kakashi in his ear, arms wrapping his torso firmly from behind . Naruto threw his arms around both of them with an enthusiastic body slam and for a few breathless moments the three teetered on the crumbling edge of the ledge.

They shuffled carefully back, Kakashi very pissed at Naruto, who obliviously pried him away as soon as they were on solid footing and squeezed Iruka like the last of the toothpaste.

Squeezed so hard and so long that the over-stressed chunin, deprived of air and relieved of the constant red alert his blood pressure had been on during his assignment, fainted like a new bride.

_They did hurt him!_, Kakashi thought furiously when his one and only went down in a heap, and he stepped over the prone teacher and the fanning, apologizing boy to advance on the tall man in the opening.

"What did you do to him?" the copy-nin snarled.

Tell watched the sweet brunette collapse from their inhumane treatment with startled outrage. _What?…why, they hurt him!_

The towering swordsman unsheathed his number one sword and scowled. "Return him! Barbaric bastards!"

"Never! I swear, you'll pay for this. Just tell me exactly what you've done to him. Talk and I'll make your death quick and painless." Kakashi stalked forward menacingly.

"Your behavior is inexcusable! This fine man deserves better than abuse from the likes of you!" spat Tell.

Kakashi felt possessive flames roaring in his head. So they _had _been getting close to his love, no doubt falling for him, and surely he went along just to save his life. Images and possibilities flashed in his furious mind. The tall, dark, handsome swordsman and the brick shithouse that was his precious dolphin…the atmosphere began to thicken and the sound of birds began to fill the air.

"_WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM_?" Kakashi roared, louder and angrier than Naruto could_ ever_ remember him shouting before.

"Not nearly enough, I'll admit," Tell smiled regretfully, spinning his sword with the speed and dexterity of a bugle corps drum major. "Nothing to harm him. Nothing as brutal as the way you're treating him. I won't let you take him if you're not going to take good care of him. Technically, he's still ours."

"Yeah! Ours!" yelled Tom before Tim slapped a hand over his mouth and hauled him back.

"Will you shut the fu…" Tim was cut off in mid-shushing as they blanched and dove for cover; the backswing from the huge sword whistled too close to their cowering place.

With a handsign to his belt, Tell produced a mirrored shield. The large distorted image of himself enraged Kakashi even more.

Tell pumped chakra into the shield and Kakashi realized the sound of his Chidori was being redirected. His opponent's confident smile reigned in the copy-nin's reckless fury, and he reabsorbed the spinning chakra, moving forward slightly.

The Cliff nin's shield looked like a deflection jutsu he'd seen in battle before, and he wasn't in the mood to Chidori his own ass today. Instead, he made handsigns and plunged his fists into the ledge.

A clone emerged, rising up from the flat ground behind Tell, grabbing his ankles and twisting hard. The man tipped and fell forward instantly. He hacked at the air on the way down furiously, seemingly out of control.

But the hacking in the air was a controlled technique, creating a whirlwind that broke his fall at the last second and pushed him back upright before whipping past and behind him to disperse the clone.

Kakashi took advantage of the distraction and sent another clone to throw a roundhouse kick to his head, hoping to steal the shield. Instead, Tell jerked the shield up to deflect him away, the kick went wide, and the overbalanced clone grabbed for support - accidentally snagging a very personal part of the now-upright, goggling and uptight swordsman.

"How dare you?" Tell roared, angrier that ever. "Unhand me!"

The clone tried. Pulled further off-balance by the step back the owner of his handrail was taking, he gripped harder and tried to push off. Every time he tried to push off to straighten up, Tell took another step back, which pulled the clone forward off-balance again. Which forced the clone to step forward to try to push off, which made Tell recoil and step back again, only to have a repeat of the struggle.

The strange pumping action and rough friction was enraging Tell, and damn it, made him feel all squirmy, and hot, too. For reasons he wasn't quite consciously aware of, it gave him a deeper change in attitude.

_My chunin,_ he thought stubbornly. _If you would have behaved, I was going to let you have him. But I changed my mind. I'm keeping him. You violent, perverted freaks don't deserve him._

Once Kakashi saw the situation clearly he couldn't dissolve his own clone fast enough, then rocked with disgust as the experience lobbed itself into his brain. He wiped the hand furiously on the seat of his cargo pants, grimacing as if he'd stuck it in a cow pie.

The distraction allowed Tell to get the upper hand. Behind the shield he'd sheathed sword number one and called out number six. The whip blade.

Long, thin and infinitely jointed, it cut like a razor but snaked freely in the air like a bullwhip. The copy-nin dodged it smoothly and easily when it came whistling at him, but the intent was yet underneath.

Tell used that one swift move to slash away the ledge from under his opponent's feet and Kakashi was sent sliding dangerously down the steep shale face of the mountainside. Silver hair flying, he acted swiftly, wrapping chakra around himself to minimize injury and blasting thick chakra force into his hands to slow and eventually stop the descent, clinging to the nearly straight, vertical cliff face.

He was skittering back up in quick, spidery movements as he heard Naruto cursing loudly.

o0o

As soon as the jounin dropped out of sight, Tell leapt over the fallen expanse of ledge and whirled the deadly blade over his head. The shield hooked on his belt, he held out his free hand, curling his fingers impatiently. "Give him here. Now!"

Naruto's arm around Iruka's chest tightened. "Hell no, you son of a bitch! Get back! You're not gonna touch him, ever again!"

The blade whipped the ledge threateningly close to an orange pant leg, the shale exploding into rough shrapnel that peppered Naruto and Iruka. A dribble of blood began to roll down Iruka's cheek, and one very angry demon vessel let loose with every foul word he'd ever heard and then some.

Then boy then did something totally unexpected. He let go of the fallen man, stood, and leapt back to make handsigns with furious speed.

Suspicious but goal-oriented to the max, Tell left himself unprotected for a split-second to grab his prize.

When he turned, Iruka clutched in one arm and the sword almost seated in his hand in readiness once more, two dozen Narutos flexed their muscles and smiled a most humorless smile as they blocked his return to the cave dwelling. Tell moved back to avoid them; it was then that he realized his shield had fallen to the ground. At the same time a single pale eye locked onto him, just clearing the ledge from below. The sound of birds began to grow again.

The situation looked grim but for his trump card. He could stop them now by using Iruka as a shield instead. They all suddenly realized it at once, on both sides. Possession of the chunin was nine-tenths of the battle.

Except Tell refused to stoop to such cowardly tactics. He'd jumped into this to make sure Iruka was all right. No way would he endanger him for mere tactical advantage. He teleported them into the entrance of the cave and handed off Iruka to Tim and Tom.

Well, he tried to, anyway. But as soon as Tell materialized, the startled twins ran like hell down the hallway.

He carefully deposited his would-be hostage on the ground behind him, and rose up to full battle stance.

Iruka felt himself slowly reviving in a strange place when Chidori sounds pierced his foggy thoughts and he panicked. He raised his confused field of vision to take in the league of Narutos, parting like opening-night curtains as Kakashi stalked through their numbers with a swirling, twittering mass of lightning in his conjuring hands. The stunned sensei's memory came flooding back; he gasped and screamed: "Don't do it, 'Kashi!"

The visible eye spoke volumes before he broke the glare at Tell to dart a look at the scrambling chunin. Stop? Why? He reluctantly reversed the jutsu when a stumbling Iruka positioned himself in harm's way and _did not kill the son of a bitch yet again! How demoralizing!_

Iruka stood there uncomfortably, still a little woozy. "What do you think you're all doing?" And what was it with Kashi giving everybody the bird/birds lately?

"He hurt you!" Tell, Naruto and Kakashi yelled in unison, fingers pointing thrice in accusation.

"I would never!" hissed Kakashi, a bit breathless from exertion.

"And I've never laid a hand on him that wasn't gentle," Tell schmoozed suggestively while panting and wiping his sweaty forehead with the back of his hand, purposely pissing the jounin off all over again.

"But no one hurt me," Iruka mused dizzily, leaning on the real Naruto who had dashed to his side. A sunny smile lit the boy's face. The blonde hugged him more carefully this time, and got a hug and a confused kiss on the forehead protector back in return.

Tim and Tom had crept back to the hallway, then came slowly out, ready to retreat if the fighting started back up.

Tom straightened up, taking in a deep breath. He wore his most determined, serious look. Tim, taking notice, stepped away with a very bad feeling about this.

"None of you get him, he's mine!" Tom announced, fist raised, voice booming. Well, booming for him.

Iruka gaped at the man and shook his head as if to remove scorpions from his eyelids.

Iruka's reaction cut Tom to the quick. "Really? You don't?…I thought you were only leaving because Tell was making you go. I thought, you know, since it was your mission and all, that you'd want to honor our contract." Tom's puppy eyes shone in the shadows, reflecting the brightly lit entrance.

"Oh no you don't!" growled Kakashi. "don't even try that guilt shit. They brought you here to kill you, Iruka! These guys are sick!"

"Look, allow me to be the bigger man," Tell said gallantly, seeing that the Leaf nin very obviously wanted to go home with these clowns. "Boys, I stand by my decision. We set this honorable soldier free, and deem his contract fulfilled." _So he's not to be_ _mine, as it turns out, after all. But I sure look forward to finding the pictures and that video…_

Kakashi was getting his glaring-too-long headache.

Tell frowned at the lack of gratitude, studying the copy-nin more closely. "Doesn't wearing your protector over your eye screw up your depth perception?"

Kakashi scowled.

"And I can tell you're pissed right through the mask, so why do you bother with it?"

Iruka flew forward in between them. All the skills of Sand, Cliff and Leaf would not save this idiot if he pushed one more Hatake hot button. "I want to go!" Iruka blurted into masked nostrils.

Tom looked down and away, sighing.

"Go on, get out of here. It's okay. Whatever these guys think they still want with you, I'm sure they'll get over it." Tell shrugged amiably and threw his arms over Tim and Tom's shoulders, hugging them to his sides as they squirmed indignantly. "Say bye-bye to your friend, he has to go home now."

Tim made an angry grunt and tried fruitlessly to get out of the iron grip. Tom waved sadly.

"Bye Ru, remember what he said. I guess since he says it's okay you can still come see us." Tom said dejectedly.

"Bye guys," Iruka sighed with a sympathetic look, and Kakashi looked at him with disbelief. "Try my idea anyway, Tom. I still think it will work."

Tom gave him a wry smile and a thumbs up. The thumb was still pointing skyward as the chunin it was directed at disappeared, teleported partway down the rocky incline by one very agitated jounin.

Naruto opened his mouth as if to say something, then simply closed it in a smile. He turned and walked out quietly to catch up with his senseis, dispersing his loitering clones a few at a time as he passed them.

After reacquainting himself with the fine taste of Umino tonsils, Kakashi let the younger man breathe while he pulled his mask back up.

"I don't feel well," Iruka gulped.

"They had your chakra suppressed. Moving out of their proximity is making the suppression tear away. We should have had them remove it all at once to avoid this. We can go back and get them to take it off." Kakashi supported him firmly by the upper arm.

"No, let's just get completely out of range as quick as we can," Iruka decided bravely. Something about the idea of going back made chewing his own leg off sound reasonable.

Naruto heard them as he caught up. Without a warning he swept Iruka up in his arms, making him grunt softly as he was lugged off energetically, draped across a hard muscled shoulder.

"Moving out!" The two terminally bored sand nin had split for home already. The remaining two Suna escorts took point and tail positions but the trip back was uneventful, except for the battle Iruka waged and won to be put back down on his own two feet.

As they traveled, the story was slowly filled in from both sides, and eventually they all had a clear understanding of what had taken place. It was a mission thing after all, a village thing, a ninja thing. Done and over with. Hard feelings were out of place in such matters.

Naruto came to a better understanding of Gaara's position, enough that he figured he was willing to speak to him again. Iruka felt rather badly for everyone involved in this unfortunate situation. His was not the shortest end of the stick at the end of the day after all. And his own Hokage was as much to blame as anyone else. He did feel a lingering unease about Higaara, though. Something was off about that guy, something beyond play-acting, manipulating and insane village loyalty.

The only one still pissed was Kakashi. His honey had been semi-molested, he had been ripped away from the most fun an Icha fan ever had, and now there was no one to beat mercilessly in retribution. How did life come to such an impasse?

On arriving back at KazeMotion, the uneasy chunin made his way across the studio grounds to try to clean up and fetch his things. The reception he got from the cast and crew left him aghast. A laughing, half-naked woman with a whip chased him around the buildings three times before he finally lost her! Kakashi had somehow driven them all insane in his absence! Just when he thought it was safe, a pair of enormous breasts with a blond head attached nearly smothered him before he could break free and slip to the rooftop unseen. He watched in horror as the two women met up and relentlessly combed the grounds, repeating "Here ninja ninja ninja…" in sultry voices that made him 'eep' inwardly in manly insecurity.

Oh, and then there was Kakashi. Lobbying hard for them to stay under their prior arrangement even though Iruka was free to go - what the hell was that all about? Iruka gave him the extra-evil eye and questioned him brutally.

Finally, when the lone pale eye teared up and the copy-nin began to look truly defeated and sad, Iruka relented. He did indeed love camping when it was voluntary, and he sure could use some liberty. And he was assured by one childishly squealing-with-delight assassin that he would have a toasty companion to warm his feet every night if he wanted, or no nights (this part delivered in pouting jounin mode) if he needed some 'me' time alone after all that had happened.

"Kashi, I don't want you to warm my feet," Iruka said softly, touching the still-pouty face. "It's my lips that miss you most."

And with that they reconnected and found their happy place, as individuals and as a pair, and prepared to make the best of delicious free time to relax and hot porno action respectively. The nightly merging of the delightfully relaxed and totally receptive chunin with the overheated, inspired and grateful jounin was the stuff of legends. It was almost a shame that these sessions were private.

And Higaara was professional and straightforward with Irukashi, who returned the favor by not killing him in the grand style of so many tempting jutsus. The filming wrapped a full two weeks ahead of schedule. Irukashi was able to sit in on some post-production work just before they left for Konoha, fascinated as the dark-haired Foley guy produced amazing sound effects with a watermelon, a crowbar and a shortening-filled hot water bottle.

Lizzy and Lana tried very hard but never quite got ahold of enough ninja to suit them and kept having to take their frustrations out on poor Jiraiya, who logged enough horizontal time to rival all the characters in all of his books. Graced with impressive stamina and considerate manners he never once complained, a trooper to the end.

o0o0o0o

Naruto stormed through the gates and demanded to see Gaara after being gently asked by his jounin former sensei to give the reunited couple some "damned privacy!".

Warily, the Kazekage waved for his guards to stand down, and came forward in relative calm. His Naruto was not a careless person when it came to inflicting bodily harm, and whatever verbal venom he had to inject was probably justified. So the soft green eyes regarded his friend steadily as he bared his emotional throat and offered no resistance to whatever punishing words the blonde would smite him with.

Naruto strode forward and for a split second Gaara wondered if he had been wrong, and chill fear wrapped his chest that the guards might overreact if this came to blows.

Hamfists found not his jaw but his back as the kit grabbed him in a rough embrace.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed," Naruto's voice broke in the redhead's ear as he pounded his back in a rough hug. "But, in spite of everything, you didn't just throw him away. He was a stranger and you still tried to save him. It woulda killed me if anything had happened to him, Gaara."

"Naruto," the Suna leader sighed in sad relief. "I'm so glad that it turned out well. And so sorry for all that I've put you through. I only hope that we can still be friends."

"Iruka-sensei forgives you, so I guess I can, too. He thinks that you're a shrewd dude, and he understands why you did what you did."

"Seems odd, doesn't it? I think Jiraiya and Kakashi are not so willing to set this aside."

"Ahh, Kakashi's a chunin-molester and Ero-sennin is a cranky old fart. Who cares what they think? I trust Iruka-sensei's judgement. He says that I shouldn't let this get in between us. See, he's a great guy!"

"He's one of the best, Naruto. He's every bit the rare treasure that you've described him as."

That Uzumaki chuckle rumbled happily in his chest, as proud of Iruka as if he'd raised him.

"See? I knew you'd love him, too!"

Gaara smiled back. "You're always right. I don't know how you pull that off."

"Talent! Pure, raw talent!" he boasted happily with a whiskery grin. Somehow, his vow to remain pissed didn't make any sense now. And remembering that meal he'd missed made his stomach rumble audibly. "You got any of that strawberry jam left?"

"Well, let's go see," Gaara offered, linking his elbow in the hyperactive arm and leading the way to the galley. "If not, I'm sure we've got something you'll like." The guards smiled respectfully and held open the doors, satisfied to be escorting their beloved leader and his visitor into the Kazekage's sanctuary safely and without incident.

x


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: **Naruto is the sole property of someone else. Nose pressed to the window, I can only watch as he passes by. Sniff.

**Chapter 14- A shocking news release fuels the take at the box office to dizzying heights as **_**Icha Caligula 2: Full Frontal Assault **_**premieres in Rock Country.**

_**And our story comes to an end**. Floating in formaldehyde, it awaits your dissection (otherwise known as a review? Am I review-streetwalking unchecked again? Where's that pimp Tsunade when you need her…)_

o0o0o0o0o

Theotoku sat and waited patiently for the younger boys to stop giggling. It was rather disappointing; he really thought they would make an effort to shine for this competition. But Tell surely would be the winner of the contest. His presentation was astounding. He had a whiteboard with his timetable and costs and flowchart neatly done in four colors.

"So you see," Tell said smugly, rocking back and forth on his heels, hands clasped comfortably behind his back, "all of Suna is ours. They never realized the poison was in the water supply because I flushed the conduit with clean water after a few days, and the effects didn't begin for a couple of weeks. It's slow acting, and the cures were locked up in Leaf by a Hokage who _somehow_ received very bad intelligence information that Suna was loaded with gold and holding out. I know for a fact that she upped the price past their reach."

He waited a few beats for dramatic effect, then continued. "So we will have the Sand region to ourselves, and with a great deal of assistance in the form of reparations from a very guilty Konoha. I think we can make them take care of the mass burials and perhaps get them to…will you two stop that?" Tell glared, his moment in the sun being sullied by the cackling magpie twins.

'I think you need to go back and recheck that," Tom grinned.

"I was there a little over a week ago, the majority of the people were in the wards dying. Even ninjas. Oh, they managed to swing a few cures, but the vast majority of them were in their last days. Trust me on this." Tell glared.

"Last I heard they all got cured," Tim said happily, examining his nails with a smirk.

Tom just smiled as he slowly began to understand all the ramifications of this.

Theotoku began to have a doubt or two as well. "Boys, how do you know this?"

"Oh my Gods, we outsmarted Tell!" blurted Tom, sounding surprised.

"Yeah…yeah, we did!" Tim shook his head. "I'll be damned."

"Explain it to me, boys," Theotoku said with the boundless patience a father would need to survive such offspring.

"We sent the cures to Suna."

Tell's mouth twisted sideways in disbelief and anger. "You did not."

"Did, too." Tom sniffed. "Don't believe me? Go to Suna and see for yourself. Those cures went…about a week ago I'd guess."

"You lying little…" Tell waved a threatening red marker at the pair.

"This is easy enough to verify," their father said, knowing how important it was to stop these little tiffs before weapons were drawn. "Let's send a runner." He waved a hand to a waiting assistant, who bowed quickly. "Go. Suna. I need a status report." The assistant high-tailed it immediately out the doors and Theo returned his attention to his boys.

"So, does that wrap it up for you, Tell?"

Tell nodded stiffly.

"Your turn." Theo nodded to Tim and Tom.

"We propose that it isn't necessary to choose. We propose that the most logical and efficient and mature thing to do is for all of us to have an equal say. " Tom said, blatantly reasonable. "We would be like a team, or a council."

"What, are you on drugs?" roared Tell. "What kind of nonsense is that?"

"It's not nonsense," Tim smiled. _Oh, that darn Ru…he was right!_ "We mean it. We think that sharing the responsibility and the rewards makes good sense."

"You idiots! You complete and utter morons! I'd rather be staked out in the sun with a wet leather thong around my neck! With my ass dipped in honey, on a fire ant hill!" Tell was furious, slowly starting to believe that they may have actually done something stupid enough to screw up his hostile takeover of Suna, his first kick-ass move as the next ruler of the High Cliff.

The patriarch of the family rubbed this forehead, a familiar ache starting behind his tired eyes. Well, they'd come up with some very unexpected presentations, all right.

Maybe the tinsmith would agree to come back and take over if he begged. He was their stepfather after all.

But no, he had to get a grip. He had made this a competition, fair and square. If Tell truly had failed, Tim and Tom are the winners. And they could decide to let their brother rule with them if _they _chose. Or not.

o0o0o0o0o

Released to an enthusiastic public, the Icha sequel was wiping up box office records like no other. It was the ideal time to begin stumping for the next installment of the series _Icha Caligula 3: The Pert and the Pendulous. _Or so it seemed. In reality, without Jiraiya on board, it was all over. Yet the promotional event went forward in apparent seriousness.

"We were going to do a scene here in 2, but decided not to. We have the new project coming up, and this would be the first location for the sequel." Higaara said expansively, waving to the beautiful vista, then to the bubbling tar pit far below. He went to the very edge of the precipice, causing the PR people's sphincters to clench nervously.

"You're kind of close to that edge there," Raizou said delicately, stepping up next to the closest shouldercam operator.

"Rai, you came! Glad to see you, " the actor beamed, his regret at the man's attendance suppressed. "This is our Production Coordinator, absolutely the best in the business. He's very dedicated, no doubt you've noticed just how much we've improved the quality of our films. He's here ahead of schedule to take his notes so he can start ordering the props and equipment."

Higaara's attention on Raizou made it believable for the planted snake to dart from his hole in the ground unseen and sink its deadly fangs into the porn star's muscular calf, pumping certain death into the ivory frame.

The PR people had the most amazing front-row view, and a spectacle of this magnitude struck them dumb as nothing else ever had. The colorful snake was a very distinctive and instantly recognizable variety. That this bite spelled death without question was immediately known to all.

Raizou reacted a split-second too late to catch the ostensibly stunned actor as he stepped back onto nothing, plunging over the side and falling hundreds of feet into bubbling blackness, the snake still gnawing fiercely into his flesh. He was being consumed by the steaming pit even as the poison's first wave of agony racked his body. He was a ninja, and as such was still conscious in spite of plummeting so very far. He felt fully the impact of the fall; the sure, terrifying sinking; the blistering suffocating heat; and the screaming nerve poison. It lasted for several hellish minutes as the members of the pack brave enough to peer over the edge and snap a few photos or aim video cameras watched in fascinated horror. The pictures captured his upturned eyes, his face tragically handsome and resigned even in agony as it reddened and disappeared completely under the greedy muck. Eerily, he made no sound, and the pit consumed him fully with only the popping and hissing of the molten tar as comment. As quickly as that, he was gone forever.

Raizou choked and couldn't suppress the tears that sprang to his shocked wide eyes. Someone took his arm to steady him and make sure he didn't slip over the edge. He went to his knees instead, face in his hands. As the excited witnesses found their voices once more, his ears refused to process them. Eventually, he rose and fled back to his home, to his wife and a bottle of rum. He refused to watch the news or read the papers for a full week. It was only the Kazekage's kind offer of a position in the Suna acquisitions office that brought him out of his depression. He took it eagerly; he didn't think he could bear to return to work at the studio again anyway.

Not far away, Gaara's transformed body jerked as he sat in wait, hidden in his private tent. The cry of pain he tried to suppress came out strangled and low, his eyes watering until tears rolled down his cheeks. His eyes flashed blue one last time and then eased back to their natural cool jade, as he had finally finished absorbing the experience of a most agonizing and terrifying death.

He took it like a man. He had subjected the Leaf nin, Naruto's pride, to what could have been a similar scenario, and he somewhat deserved the punishing experience that he now endured. It was agonizing yet somehow cleansing at the same time. And now Higaara was laid to rest, that somewhat disgusting alter-ego put to good use one last time. The PR from that little setup would send the movie into unbelievable box-office heights, and the 'bootleg' video of the bite and the fall, not technically a snuff film but close enough, should bring in enough extra revenue from disc sales to Rock alone to build the new pre-genin academy Suna had been needing for years.

It had been quite exhausting and took no small amount of skill to first morph into his usual Higaara persona and then make a sturdy clone of it, one capable of staying tangible right up to complete destruction. Gaara slumped down to gather his strength, mentally consoling himself that he still had his amazing memories: of the wild good times and warm friendship with a certain witty, easygoing sannin. Of the crazy feeling of being attracted to a man that turned out to be none other than Naruto's father figure. Of the slightly egotistical feelings of being one hot daddy himself, and all the adoration and perks that came his way while his slightly altered body enjoyed every aspect. Not all of it had been reprehensible. No, there were some good times there, good times indeed.

And instead of dwelling on the loss of it all, instead of indulging in the sadness at losing one friend and at nearly destroying the trust of his closest, he concentrated instead on getting back to see his brother in the infirmary. He focused on the relief of knowing that if another mission like the one Kankurou just went on was submitted to him, he would simply refuse the request. His brother, his people, had won new freedom, and he proudly took credit for bringing this newer, brighter day to his village. It was worth it, a hundred times over.

o0o0o0o0o

When Jiraiya read of the accident he was saddened but somehow not surprised. He knew fully what the effect of Higaara's well-publicized death would be on the film, and that the increased revenue would boost the village's financial stability. He didn't doubt that it was carefully planned and that Higaara had participated without a second thought.

He just hated it when someone proved to be more dedicated, selfless and brave than himself. It was really the only unforgivable thing in their whole sordid, ill-fated friendship.

o0o0o

Kakashi and Iruka never discussed their feelings about Higaara's demise. Kakashi, for one, felt that it was good use of an otherwise useless bastard, but wasn't sure if Iruka felt the same way. Rather than cause trouble, he let it go. He would have discussed it if Iruka had wanted to, of course, but the chunin never did.

Iruka was shocked and his heart reacted fifty different ways. He'd never had a chance to even see the man to respond to the written note, the one he'd destroyed after reading and then experienced regret for not replying. The apology seemed genuine, the compliments on his character were sweet, and the expressed regret that fate had squelched the opportunity for them to be friends seemed so warm and a bit lonely. After hearing the explanation for the man's heinous actions Iruka had felt rather sorry and sympathetic; he knew how he would feel in a similar situation, hell, he'd been there when seduction was part of his mission. The feeling was gut-wrenching. It left one almost inconsolable. If he'd been unattached he would have run to comfort the poor man. But alas, he knew it would have been a very bad thing for his relationship with the copy nin, so he just assumed they'd make formal amends the next time they crossed paths.

But there'd be no crossing of paths now. What a horrible end for such a misunderstood man. And it tinged Iruka's heart with guilt that he never responded to the apology. For all the man knew, Iruka hated him. It was a hard thing to bear, thinking that someone left this world with bad feelings you could have relieved them of so easily.

o0o0o0o0o

"That's definitely my ass."

"No, it's me. Look right there, at that girl's belly ring. She was in my scene. I remember."

"She was added digitally! That is my ass, I ought to know my own ass when I see it."

"I've had a better view of than you have. "

Well, arguably a good point.

"Well, it's my ass even if you were wearing it at the time,' Iruka sniffed, then 'urk'ed at how that sounded.

"But that's not my favorite way to wear it," Kakashi leered, a very happy man indeed. He never dreamed he'd be able to watch porn with his Ruka. Now he had Ruka on DVD on the screen and Ruka on the futon with buttery fingers and sweet cola-tasting lips right here at home. A man should not have such wealth. Little Kakashi was getting worked to death and there were no complaints whatsoever.

"You're not the one that has to keep signing his own buttcheek on the DVD cover," huffed the playfully indignant chunin.

"Fame's a bitch, I've always told you that."

Finally, a smart remark so he could retaliate. Iruka pounced and popcorn flew as they rolled off the futon and landed in a softly thudding tangle of frantically groping hands and leglocks.

And as they moved into serious lovemaking, Kakashi for the hundredth time had to dismiss from his mind just how incredibly similar this sound was to the one made by the shortening in the hot water bottle. He was eternally grateful that the movie was now on disk instead of in the theaters, somehow during the stint in the theaters Iruka was approached constantly with jealousy-inspiring offers that all but died off when the movie hit DVD.

But now they had some semblance of normalcy and privacy. And after attending the gala premier, Kakashi did not have Iruka attend such a film with him in public ever again.

The mortification of having the lights come up and seeing the snickering faces of Naruto and Sakura had cemented that ban anyway.

Epilogue:

In the years to come, _Icha Caligula 2: Full Frontal Assault _found infamy as the longest running 'midnight movie' in Konoha history. Irukashi's (thankfully unidentified) naked posterior close-ups in the explicitly-angled palm-tree-shinnying scene became the most recognizable cult icons since the lips in Rocky Horror Picture Show and Donnie Darko's rabbit pal. For a simple nin, it was a remarkable legacy indeed.

And video night up in the Cliffs clan compound was never quite the same again.

_(Yes, it's really THE END now.)_

Well OK I didn't have as much fun with this as I could have, in deference to those whose found the thought of Iruka being forced into a true porno to be unforgivable. Maybe I need to do a less delicate version for adultfanfiction! You never know! XD


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